Podcasts by Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet

29: Movie Theaters in Providence, RI from 2022-03-03T03:08:59.483710

We're back with another episode for your listening displeasure. We read the worst reviews of movie theaters in Providence, RI, and Christine reads reviews written from the perspective of pets. I...

Between You And Us: Episode 33 from 2022-02-28T05:00

Aunts and ants alike will LOVE this episode.

For more bonus content, check out our Patreon: patreon.com...

169: Reviews of Halls of Fame from 2022-02-23T05:00

We hope this episode makes you giggle galore until you can't breathe.

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168: Reviews of Sushi Restaurants in Landlocked States from 2022-02-16T05:00

The biggest paradox is that two people who don't know what they're talking about... talk for a living. Did we finally use that word right?

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167: Reviews of Shein Products from 2022-02-09T05:00

See pics of some of these ridiculous products on our Instagram! instagram.com/beachtoosandy

Suppo...

166: Reviews of Phone Repair Shops from 2022-02-02T05:00

While you're out shopping for Bitch Too Sandy perfume, be sure to pick up Christine's latest book: Costumer Service 101!

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Between You And Us: Episode 32 from 2022-01-31T21:53:20

What's good for the goose is good for this podcast.

For more bonus content, check out our Patreon: patr...

165: Reviews of Perfumes from 2022-01-26T05:00

BITCH TOO SANDY... coming soon to a department store near you!

Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/be...

164: Revisiting Old Friends from 2022-01-19T05:05:56

Come down to the Lizard Hole! Tonight's entertainment is Christine singing and Xandy playing game show host again...

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163: Reviews of Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville from 2022-01-12T05:18:54

If you want a full version of 'Toes in the Sand,' let us know and we'll give you recommendations for therapists.

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162: Reviews of Helen, Georgia from 2022-01-05T05:00

Throw on your airbrushed lederhosen, because we're going tubbing!

Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/...

Between You And Us: Episode 31 from 2021-12-31T05:00

You know what they say... Whatever can't kill you is a terrible product.

For more bonus content, check out our Patreon: Listen

161: Reviews of Lighthouses from 2021-12-29T05:00

What is a lighthouse if not a house with a light on it?

Check out Xandy's TikTok lighthouse adventures: Listen

160: Reviews of Ornaments from 2021-12-22T05:00

You can tell we're handling the holidays well when we're wishing you a Happy New Year over a week early...

Check out Xandy's TikTok lighthouse adventures: Listen

159: Holiday Reviews from 2021-12-15T05:00

Gather round as we try to figure out the true meaning behind Mensch on the Bench.

Check out Xandy's TikTok lighthouse adventures: Listen

158: QVC Holiday Special from 2021-12-08T05:00

Want to join the sisterhood of the traveling poopy pants? Listen to the episode to find out how!

Check out our Instagram for holiday pine cone ideas: Listen

157: Reviews of Christmas Tree Farms from 2021-12-01T05:00

Ding dong!

Check out our Instagram to see how our Christmas Tree shopping went: instagram.com/beacht...

Between You And Us: Episode 30 from 2021-11-30T05:00

For more bonus content, check out our Patreon: patreon.com/beachtoosandy!

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156: Subway or Subway? from 2021-11-24T05:00

Enjoy this game show style episode that has all the brown fixins you can ask for!

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155: Reviews of Subway Sandwiches from 2021-11-17T05:20:26

This week, Xandy talks about his biggest shame while Christine judges as if she's never catfished anyone before...

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154: Reviews of Subway Stations from 2021-11-10T05:00

Go see pics of Xandy at The Transit Museum: instagram.com/beachtoosandy

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153: Rate My Professors from 2021-11-03T04:00

Please give us some chili peppers, it'd make us so happie!

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152: Reviews of Halloween Attractions from 2021-10-27T05:12:15

If you look up in the night sky, you just may see the siblings Schiefer flying by.

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Between You And Us: Episode 29 from 2021-10-25T04:00

Between talks of foreplay and vacuums, this episode really sucks.

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151: Reviews of Halloween Costumes from 2021-10-20T04:00

Lovely Clown Xandy coming to a party near you!

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150: Reviews of Halloween Movies from 2021-10-13T04:28:09

Christine is one step closer to her final form: White Mist.

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149: Pumpkin Reviews from 2021-10-06T04:00

Christine finally admits she wouldn't fly to Maine to teach a child about the birds and the bees.

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148: The Ultimate Karen from 2021-09-29T04:00

While Xandy was busy browsing our subreddit, Christine went down a rabbit hole of misery. Enjoy!

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Between You And Us: Episode 28 from 2021-09-27T04:00

Don't forget to wear goggles if you approach Xandy in public!

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147: Reviews of Whale Watching from 2021-09-22T04:00

Someone PLEASE erect a statue of Xandy...

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146: Reviews of Beanie Babies from 2021-09-15T04:38:08

We apologize for the bummer parade we're about to take you on...

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145: Reviews of Airports from 2021-09-08T04:00

This week we learn that Christine and Xandy should never be in a cockpit together.

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144: Reviews of Cracker Barrels from 2021-09-01T04:00

You've been asking for it, and it's here! Get your Warning: Contains Sexy Stuff merch here: Listen

Between You And Us: Episode 27 from 2021-08-31T04:00

The devil smiles as another bonus episode is released.

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143: Reviews of Minor League Baseball Stadiums from 2021-08-25T04:00

Toasty please hit Xandy up. He won't stop talking about you.

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142: Reviews of Public Art from 2021-08-18T04:00

If enough people sign up for our Patreon, maybe we can afford to commission a new vein on Blucifer's penis.

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141: Reviews of Storage Facilities from 2021-08-11T04:00

Fingers crossed no one finds out we, just like Barry on Storage Wars, get paid for what we do...

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140: Reviews of Candle Stores from 2021-08-04T14:20:27

Please don't yank your candle while listening to this episode.

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Between You And Us: Episode 26 from 2021-07-31T04:00

Oalf is a bad role model.

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139: Reviews of Truck Stops from 2021-07-28T04:00

Christine found another forum to explore, which means Xandy is one step closer to quitting the podcast...

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138: Reviews of Ripley's Believe It or Not! from 2021-07-21T04:12:42

Picture if you will a podcast, where, believe it or not, they discuss big honkers.

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137: Reviews of Car Rentals from 2021-07-14T04:00

We're here for more bible analysis. With maybe a review or two sprinkled in...

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136: Reviews of Islands from 2021-07-07T04:00

The footnote to Christine's life is her pending patent for a new form of animated candy dispenser.

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135: Reviews of Pride Merch from 2021-06-30T04:21:37

Don't be so naive...

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Between You And Us: Episode 25 from 2021-06-29T04:00

Beans be bussin

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Between You And Us: Episode 24 from 2021-06-28T04:00

Listen to this episode to for tips on how to keep Joe Biden away from your hard case luggage!

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134: Reviews of Dick's Last Resorts from 2021-06-23T04:00

We finally find reviews where people are upset they didn't get verbally abused. What is this podcast coming to?

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133: Reviews of Gay Bars from 2021-06-16T05:00

Isn't it strange how when you're in Anchorage, AK things aren't quite the same as they are in New York, NY? Ugh better write a one-star review about it!

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132: Reviews of Public Pools from 2021-06-09T04:00

Just a couple of siblings who've been gathering filth since the 90s. If anyone asks, we came up with that.

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131: Reviews of the Gaylord Opryland from 2021-06-02T04:00

If you feel like a gay royal on a pride float, this episode is for you! If you like raisins, this episode is not for you!

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130: Reviews of the Mall of America from 2021-05-26T04:02:47

:~| 8~| 8~/ :~(

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129: Reviews of Obscure Museums from 2021-05-19T04:02:15

How will I tell my children that these podcasters were not cats?

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128: World's Largest Landmarks from 2021-05-12T04:00

Wow, we finally did it y'all. We proved that evolution isn't real and Darwin is a false prophet. Time to praise the Oklahoma Peanut Princess instead!

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127: Nurseries Plants Garden Centers Seeds? and Seeds Germination Germination! Etsy Etsy Etsy Plant Sellers Plant Sales from 2021-05-05T04:00

Christine is pregnant!!!! But more importantly, Alex is on Tinder.

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126: Diners on Route 66 from 2021-04-28T04:00

Xylophone

A

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D

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Between You And Us: Episode 23 from 2021-04-26T04:00

In our humble but honorable opinions, it's about time ski resorts start serving nachos. PERIDOT.

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125: Pasty Shops in Michigan from 2021-04-21T04:14:34

Interested in Jared Leto and Marky Mark's nipples? This is the episode for you! Oh wait, wrong type of pasties...

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124: Reviews of Escape Rooms from 2021-04-14T04:00

Not sure if Christine's casket story is something I need to talk to the police about or not... Please advise.

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123: Lil Nas X from 2021-04-07T04:00

This week we talk about the latest flash in the satanic panic. His name is Montero and he worships pentagons or pentagrams or something. Enjoy the art!

Donate to Lost-n-Found Youth! Listen

122: Reviews of Churches from 2021-03-31T05:30

Catch us in Spotify's new playlist: Podcasts brought down by Scientology. Hopefully we can still make it as minions at a megachurch!

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Between You And Us: Episode 22 from 2021-03-29T04:00

We're reading reviews sent in by you! To send your favorite reviews in, write to beachtoosandy@gmail.com with the subject "Between You and Us"

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121: Reviews of Fish Fries from 2021-03-24T04:00

If you don't pray to the tabernacle of Betsy or Fish Fry Daddy, then what're you doing with your life? Probably poppin' pillies and listening to Tupac...

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120: Bagel Shops in New York, New York from 2021-03-17T04:00

To anyone who wants to buy the rights to Boris' Yelp account for their dissertation, please get in touch. Oh and FBI, you're welcome for finding the Zodiac Killer. Alex will accept his medal now...

119: Reviews of Crystal Shops from 2021-03-10T06:00

Christine is throwing stinging bites at reviewers while Alex wonders where you were all conceived.

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118: Reviews of Six Flags from 2021-03-03T05:01:14

The demonic Foghorn Leghorn rises from his coffin after 30 hours of eating cockroaches. Bert and Ernie quake in fear.

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117: Valentine's Day Reviews from 2021-02-24T05:00

This episode will have you believing in love and God. We hope it makes you ripple ;)

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116: Poutineries in Canada from 2021-02-17T08:00

A lot is resting on this wiener.

Check out our new poster! https://sto...

115: Reviews of Girl Scout Cookies from 2021-02-10T08:00

We almost titled this episode "The Girl Scouts Trip to the Slaughterhouse."

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Between You And Us: Episode 21 from 2021-02-08T08:00

We're reading reviews sent in by you! Including possibly our least favorite review of all time... #FrozenHaters #IHateFrozen To send your favorite reviews in, write to beachtoosandy@gmail.com wi...

114: Reviews of Renaissance Fairs from 2021-02-03T08:00

Warning: atheists and jugglers ahead. Don't say the town crier didn't warn you...

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113: Government Buildings in Hawaii from 2021-01-27T08:00

I would not buy this for my cat. I would not buy this for my hat. I do not like it, Sam I am.

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112: Reviews of Music Venues from 2021-01-20T08:04:09

Please consider contributing to the fundraiser for Milan Loncar: https://www.gofundme.com/f/milans-me...

Between You And Us: Episode 20 from 2021-01-18T08:00

Hello plebs.. plubs? We're ready reviews you found on the internet and sent to us! To send yours in write to beachtoosandy@gmail.com with the subject "Between You and Us"

Check out our mer...

111: Reviews of Golden Corral from 2021-01-13T08:00

Grab your pizgetlovy and stay close to the bathroom, because we've immune system compromising reviews to read ya!

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110: Ghost Towns in Texas from 2021-01-06T08:00

Wait... what's that noise? Oh god Vicki's coming! Hurry, climb up the rocks. No, the colorful ones! But wait, don't forget to ask first. Oh no it's too late...

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109: New Year Reviews from 2020-12-30T08:00

*bomb* *cross* *airplane* if you know what we mean :grin:

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108: Holiday Reviews from 2020-12-23T08:00

Four days and seven scores ago, Tim Allen learned the secrets of Santa Claus from his father. And now we’re here to pass those secrets on to you. Enjoy!

Support us on Patreon to listen to ...

107: Reviews of Driving Schools from 2020-12-16T08:37:04

We're just two podcasters trying to make an honest living. So what if we like looking at hotties with honkers? Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collectio...

106: MLMs in Utah from 2020-12-09T08:27:57

If you can get past our weird improv, you'll get to hear all about a great opportunity. Get in on the ground floor of our new oat milk multilevel marketing company! We'll even let you be a CEO! Bos...

Between You And Us: Episode 19 from 2020-12-07T08:00

We're back with Between You And Us and it's amazing, crazing, looking for the mazing! Sorry we haven't been releasing these, we've just been so busy being ourselves since we can't be sharks. Follow...

105: Reviews of Target from 2020-12-02T08:00

This episode is brought to you by refrigeration and Gucci. Learn more at this year's Downton Abbey expo in Minot, ND. Follow Alex's Twitch stream to make his hair purple: https://www.twitch.tv/xand...

104: Black Friday Reviews from 2020-11-25T08:00

This episode is sponsored by corporations that would probably not approve of our content. Just kidding, it's sponsored by the holy trinity of luxury: Gucci, FedEx, and UPS. Check out our new merch!...

103: Tourist Attractions in South Dakota from 2020-11-18T08:00

While we set the bar merely a millimeter above the ground, you can't deny this is the absolute BEST podcast hosted by siblings with the last name Schiefer! Check out our new merch! https://store.df...

102: Reviews of Private Investigators from 2020-11-11T08:52:02

Or are they private dicks? Regardless, we're scared of them almost as much as we are of the idea that there won't be a Santa Clause 4 #TimAllenForSC4 Check out our new merch! https://store.dftba.co...

101: Autumnal Reviews from 2020-11-04T08:00

This week we explore our new favorite place to find reviews: QVC. It inspires Alex to start his campaign to become one of their next presenters, and it inspires Christine to start writing her new s...

100: THE WORST OF BEACH TOO SANDY, WATER TOO WET from 2020-10-28T07:00

We did the unthinkable! We made it to 100 episodes. Take a horrifying stroll down memory lane with us as we revisit the funniest, most cringe-worthy reviews we've read thus far.  Get your Karma Bac...

99: Halloween Reviews from 2020-10-21T07:18:23

WARNING: CONTAINS SEXY STUFF. Which basically just means we talk about Charlie Brown and Spooky Buddies. Please be safe this Halloween season and don't summon Satin and keep your wife away from lov...

98: Cemeteries in Louisiana from 2020-10-14T07:00

Hey ghostie, bring that thicc smoky body this way ;) Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.com/collections/beach-too-sandy-water-too-wet Support us on Patreon at ...

97: Apple Orchards in New Hampshire from 2020-10-07T07:00

Welcome to Asparagus: Fully Plucked, where we provide educational agriculture content to all members of Pat's Kingdom. So sit back, roll a rug in a bug, and enjoy! Get your Karma Back To You pin be...

96: Corn Mazes in Iowa from 2020-09-30T07:00

Normally since it's his birthday, we'd say 'All hail Xandy!' but we're over here hailing the corn cob cannon king instead. Maybe next year, Xandy. Maybe. Listen to Alex's newest podcast, Human Seek...

95: Daycares in Indiana from 2020-09-23T07:25:44

Thanks for tuning in to episode 1 of Dilbert + Smash Mouth: A Haunting. We hope you enjoy the nonsensical ramblings of a former Indiana model and his M&M loving sister. Get your Karma Back To You ...

94: Airports in North Carolina from 2020-09-16T07:00

You give podcasters a listen, you feed them a meal. Teach podcasters to steal listens, they probably get kicked off their platform. This made slightly more sense with apple sauce...  Get your Karma...

93: Malls in New Jersey from 2020-09-09T07:09:17

Well this was a weird one, so I'm not sure what to say here. Something something IKEA gnomes and bread bowls. Y'all know. Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.co...

92: Parking Violations Bureaus in Los Angeles, CA from 2020-09-02T07:05:16

Christine and Alex, the scum of the earth, are back to discuss communism, Kafka, and The Parking Enforcement Agenda (PEA). Christine also throws curses around like they're nothing, so we're sorry i...

91: Beaches in Rhode Island from 2020-08-26T07:00

Hey all you naughty gulls, thanks for tuning in to Christine's National Convention. She has only one platform: Eradicate All Ocean Worms. Please don't vote for her.  Get your Karma Back To You pin ...

90: Small Towns in Ohio from 2020-08-19T07:00

We're going through our lives as a couple of dunk clowns: We think too highly of ourselves and we laugh at our own jokes.  Get your Karma Back To You pin before they sell out! https://store.dftba.c...

Between You And Us: Episode 18 from 2020-08-17T15:54:06

Need more of life's sweet substance? We got you covered. We're back with another episode where we read reviews that you found and sent in to us! Email us at beachtoosandy@gmail.com with the subject...

89: Lighthouses in Maine from 2020-08-12T07:00

After years of perfecting our popsicle stick versions of episode 89, we've finally released the finished product. In this episode, we read reviews of lighthouses worthy of Steven King's editor. So ...

88: Adult Video Stores in Missouri from 2020-08-05T15:44:12

Welcome to rush week! There's only one option and it's They-ta They-ta They-ta. And everyone is invited to join! The only hazing will be us forcing you to watch Ants With No Pants on DVD. Welcome! ...

87: Cowboy Boots in Texas from 2020-07-29T07:58:51

If you're wondering what Jimmy Fingers is up to, he's using those fingers of his to go to https://www.raicestexas.org/ways-to-give/bond-fund/ to donate to the RAICES Texas Bond Fund! They are a non...

86: Climbing Gyms in Colorado Springs, Colorado from 2020-07-22T07:00

We're back with possibly the most garrulous podcast in existence. Are we using that right? Anyway, help Christine reach her goal of terminal velocity and help Alexander reach his goal of man spread...

Between You And Us: Episode 17 from 2020-07-20T07:00

This is a historic moment in Beach Too Sandy history. We read the first review where the reviewer changes their own mind while writing the review. Almost as breathtaking as seeing a grackle in the ...

85: Garbage Plates in Rochester, NY from 2020-07-15T07:00

Think people can't possibly be snobs about something called a 'garbage plate?' Think again, then update your Rolodex. Also, fair warning to people who don't like rats, we talk about them A LOT this...

84: Historical Sites in Italy from 2020-07-08T07:00

After the success of our Disney Parks episode, we decided to do another one! Oh wait, never mind, these reviews are of Pompeii. But apparently some people can't tell the difference. In an attempt t...

83: Zoos in Norway from 2020-07-01T07:00

Don't be too surprised if we rename our podcast to The Shanti Chronicles, because Alex loves his new adopted Gibbon daughter. The news about her might be the most important part of our episode, but...

82: Scuba Diving in Guam from 2020-06-24T07:00

Disclaimer: These Podcast Hosts Be Wildin'. Wait, what does that even mean? Anyway, we're reviews of scuba diving in Guam, then Alex reads reviews where the reviewer vows never to return to a state...

81: Adventure Parks in Puerto Rico from 2020-06-17T07:00

Who the hell gave us this platform? Oh yeah, you all did... Well thank you for having an IQ higher than a crab and being an outlet for our boring childhood stories. We'll post proof of our "extreme...

80: KFC in Japan from 2020-06-10T07:00

Welcome to the Church of Yelp, where we teach you everything it takes to get yourself into hell. We're reading reviews of the "benign personality cult" also known as KFC in Japan. Then, Alex sings ...

Podcast Blackout from 2020-06-03T07:00

We will not be releasing a regular episode this week in an effort to listen to, learn from, and amplify Black voices. Tune in to this brief recording or visit Listen

79: Reviews of Water Parks from 2020-05-27T07:00

Between the indiscriminate pooping, tea bags, and bodily excreted waste... this might be our grossest episode yet. But if you can make it through, you can hear our mother's favorite joke. Well, may...

Schiefer Madness: Few Things Considered from 2020-05-22T07:00

Welcome to our first weekly Winnie-sode! We discuss jellybean storage, dried up condoms, and we touch on what it's like to be an oxygen-dependent woman of a certain age. That's our story, morning g...

78: Craft Stores in Raleigh, NC from 2020-05-20T07:00

The Schiefer Siblings are coming out to play! And they're on a mission... to normalize... constipation? God this episode is messy. If you want, you're welcome to dive headfirst into this mess of cr...

Schiefer Madness: Karma Will Prevail from 2020-05-15T07:00

From bidets to porn sites, we talk about pretty much everything this episode. Thankfully it's a bonus episode, so we can do what we want! And so can you, but we'd encourage you to donate to the One...

77: Lakes in Minnesota from 2020-05-13T07:00

Turn off your Jimmy Buffet and hop aboard the Silky Pig, because we're going yelping! Join us on this amazing natural journey where we discover all the crazies Minnesota has to offer.  Buy our bran...

Between You And Us: Episode 16 from 2020-05-11T07:00

Before you listen to this episode, we've gotta lay down some ground rules. We expect you to either write us a poem or give us a dollar. And once you do, you'll have to follow the golden rule: ~*~Im...

76: Bowling Alleys in Philadelphia, PA from 2020-05-06T07:00

We've got new merch!! Head over to bit.ly/beachtoosandymerch for a "Lunatic Leftwing Liberal Loser" pin, a "Baron of Cream" shirt or a Beach Too Sandy decal!  If you've ever eaten calamari at a bow...

Between You And Us: Episode 15 from 2020-05-01T06:00

Since this was released at 11 PM our time on April 30th, we're counting it as the April Between You And Us. Deal with it or face us and our spirited personalities. Support us on Patreon at patreon....

75: Buffalo Wings in Buffalo, NY from 2020-04-29T07:10:25

We hope after listening to this episode, you tell everyone how much we mind blew you with our talk of mutant chickens and souvlaki #WhitePizzaWith500RawOnionsInAPoolOfWater Support us on Patreon at...

Schiefer Madness: Animal Crossing from 2020-04-25T07:00

Listen to this week's episode to find out how you can win a copy of Animal Crossing: New Horizons for the Nintendo Switch! If you already own a copy, listen to this episode to hear us audition for ...

74: Cigar Shops in Cuba from 2020-04-22T07:10:02

Years from now, we believe someone will wonder if Tim Allen was one of the hosts of Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet. And that person is Christine Schiefer. Find out what else she thinks Tim Allen wa...

Schiefer Madness: it's about GI troubles that we all have from 2020-04-18T07:49:45

Calling all iron maiden fans! Whether that's of the band, the medieval torture device, or our mother. We've got an uplifting? bonus episode for you where we only read the positive reviews (mostly)!...

73: Monuments in Washington, D.C. from 2020-04-15T07:00

YEGADS! In this week's episode, Christine philosophizes and Alex waxes poetic. If that doesn't convince you to listen to this one, then we don't blame you. But we hope you give us the chance to war...

Schiefer Madness: Erotic Hand Sanitizer from 2020-04-10T09:00

Is that title really not enough for you? Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly livestream Q&A! Go subscribe to our YouTube channel to see our beautiful faces! www.youtube...

72: Resorts in Mexico from 2020-04-08T07:00

Let me tell you something, bro... *thumbs down emoji* *poop emoji *coffin emoji* *nails emoji* *baby bottle emoji* *pill emoji* *wrench emoji* KARMA BACK AT YOU! Support us on Patreon at patreon.co...

Schiefer Madness: Tiger King from 2020-04-03T07:00

Hey all you cool cats and kittens! If you haven't watched Tiger King, give in to all the pressure and watch it. Otherwise, this episode is gonna be pretty nonsensical. All we want to do during our ...

71: Universities in England from 2020-04-01T07:00

Love a good panto? That must mean you're British! So stop whatever yawn-fest you're participating in, and join us as we read reviews of universities in England. Christine also reads some of the wor...

Schiefer Madness: Quarantine Cuties from 2020-03-28T07:00

You should really listen to this episode, but keep in mind that it won't save your life. Only Lysol can do that apparently. We hope you enjoy this surprise bonus episode. Please stay safe out there...

70: Lord of the Rings in New Zealand from 2020-03-25T07:00

Dear Webmaster, Please enjoy this episode of us speaking in runes about Lord of the Rings. After that, Alex gives us a much needed pick me up when he reads reviews mentioning bodega cats, who are a...

Schiefer Madness: Social Distancing from 2020-03-20T07:00

Things you can do during the COVID-19 epidemic:

Donate to help kids who depend on school lunches at http://www.nokidhungry.org Listen

69: Saint Patrick's Day Reviews Extravaganza from 2020-03-18T07:00

If you've never listened to Beach Too Sandy, prepare yourself by imagining you're meeting a 6-foot tall teddy bear with titanium legs. We're reading all sorts of reviews that are related (very l...

68: Beaches in Australia from 2020-03-11T07:00

If you're considering writing a review of our show while hospitalized, be sure to wait until the morphine has kicked in. Because you might not be happy with us after this episode, especially if ...

Between You And Us: Episode 14 from 2020-03-09T13:10:36

If you normally listen to our show in the presence of family, we'd recommend switching that up for this episode. And if for some reason you let your children listen to this explicit podcast, DEF...

67: Reviews of Disney Parks from 2020-03-04T08:00

Sure, we're probably the last people on the planet who should be hosting a podcast episode about Disney, but we still had a blast reading terrible reviews of their 'cloyingly ahistorical' parks....

66: Nightclubs in Berlin, Germany from 2020-02-26T08:00

Welcome to Schiefer Family Therapy, where the very hot and extremely humble Alex and croissant-phobic Christine tackle their biggest issues. If you're a family member of ours, please know we are te...

65: Tescos in Dublin, Ireland from 2020-02-19T08:00

You're joining us live from the travelator in Tesco, where a follower of Christ and her alien intern brother are reading terrible reviews. These two right little chatterboxes have a doozy of an epi...

64: Valentine's Day Reviews Extravaganza from 2020-02-12T08:00

The Valentine's Lorax has a warning for you: If you were hoping for our Ireland episode, don't listen to this one because you'll have to wait another week. Surprise! It's a Valentine's Day episode!...

Between You And Us: Episode 13 from 2020-02-10T08:22:55

If you look in the mirror and say "RED RAW' three times while spinning, Bernie Schiefer will appear behind you or your money back. Support us on Patreon at patreon.com/beachtoosandy for a monthly l...

Live at Spotify HQ in New York, NY from 2020-02-07T08:00

We made it through our first live show ever!! And now you have the chance to experience our discomfort from the comfort of your home. We had an amazing time and we are so grateful to Anchor, Spotif...

63: Karaoke Bars in Halifax, NS from 2020-02-05T08:00

We're going international! We visit our neighbors to the north, Canada, to find out how they feel about their karaoke bars. Then, Christine shares reviews of escape rooms written by people who had ...

62: Dunkin' Donuts in Concord, NH from 2020-01-29T08:00

Grab your plain sticks and your snotty coffee, because we're about to go on quite the journey. First, we read reviews of good old Dunkin' Donuts in the northeast, specifically in Concord, New Hamps...

61: Casinos in Biloxi, MS from 2020-01-22T15:25:52

Welcome to the Schiefer Casino! We've got Mark who has a gaming license from eBay and Braley is behind the bar serving up only top shelf drinks! We are also known for rewriting LGBT history and ...

60: Pizza Places in Wichita, KS from 2020-01-15T08:00

After forgetting it existed, we finally find ourselves in Kansas! We read reviews of pizza places and discuss the future of the Tootise film franchise. Then, Alex reads a variety of reviews of g...

Between You And Us: Episode 12 from 2020-01-13T08:00

Greetings from the Schiefer Sisters! We're back for another episode where we read reviews sent in by you, our lovely listeners! So stop smelling horses and put down your pizza rolls, because someth...

59: Resorts in Charleston, SC from 2020-01-08T08:00

We have some actual exciting news this episode, so listen up! Then listen to us read some ridiculous reviews written by both real and not so real people. I'm too sick/seeping too much to think of f...

58: Arcades in Nashville, TN from 2020-01-01T08:00

Christine (cactus print) and Alex (stripper scent) bring you the first Beach Too Sandy episode of a new decade. We read reviews of arcades, arcade bars, and dueling piano bars (for some reason) ...

57: Holiday Reviews Extravaganza from 2019-12-25T08:00

This week, CHRISTine and Alex reveal what is causing the death of all humans... at least according to a single reviewer. Believe it or not, it's not caused by Starbucks holiday cups. Apparently ...

56: Ski Resorts in Burlington, VT from 2019-12-18T08:00

This week, we rewrite The Grinch, repurpose Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, and share other valuable pieces of media in the form of Yelp reviews. We hope this episode doesn't leave your puggle ...

55: Car Dealerships in Fargo, ND from 2019-12-11T08:00

Happy podversary!! We're celebrating one year of Beach Too Sandy nonsense! Thank you so much for your support this past year. As a special gift, we've finally revealed the identity of the man behin...

Between You And Us: Episode 11 from 2019-12-09T08:00

All hail King Salmon! Just... don't order him on a cinnamon raisin bagel. In this month's episode, we read some of the worst reviews you've ever sent us. And we're starting to think they cut off al...

54: Menards in Eau Claire, WI from 2019-12-04T08:00

Don't do us bogus and give this week's episode a listen. If you don't, Alex is going to take Christine's bathroom breaks away. So hear all about how the state of your local Menards means America is...

53: Thanksgiving Reviews Extravaganza from 2019-11-27T08:00

*Insert Favorite Turkey Noise Here* Welcome to our Thanksgiving special! Now as a fireside chat! Your holiday is about to be ruined by the cornucopia of reviews that Christine brought to the tab...

52: Dry Cleaners in Columbia, MD from 2019-11-20T08:00

Happy Wonderwall! Throw on your favorite Armani underwear, grab your hottest rock, and enjoy the premiere of Pretty Mayor - the opposite of Undercover Boss. If you want to hear Christine's beautifu...

51: Golf Courses in Des Moines, IA from 2019-11-13T08:00

*golfer emoji* *golfer emoji* *golfer emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *frisbee emoji* *frisbee emoji* *frisbee emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hole-in-one emoji* *hol...

Between You And Us: Episode 10 from 2019-11-11T08:00

If you're reading this, you are officially banned from LeanCuisine.com. Feeling doo-doo trash about that? Then listen to us read reviews sent in by YOU, our lovely listeners. We hope you love this ...

50: Apartment Complexes in Grand Rapids, MI from 2019-11-06T08:00

This week's episode is dedicated to Fat Cat Cora. Remember that time when we exposed a hairy underbelly? Well, this week's underbelly is even hairier. If you're looking for an apartment in Grand Ra...

49: Spooky Spots in Salem, MA from 2019-10-30T07:00

Welcome to the Beach Too Sandy Halloween Extravaganza!! We have such an exciting show featuring three very special guests! We bet you're reading this looking for a spoiler of who those guests ar...

48: Halloween Stores in Virginia Beach, VA from 2019-10-23T07:00

WHEN YOU YELL, I YELP!  Looking for a nose to pick? You've come to the right place. Turn up the Ziggy Idol, put on your star costume, and join us as we kick off spooky-ooky season with Halloween st...

47: Wineries in Los Gatos, CA from 2019-10-16T07:00

Hello lovely listeners. Enjoying the table wine? Well why don't we take this back to our garden. We've got plenty of steamed salami to go around ;) Just don't let Louis out, we're happy he left ...

Between You And Us: Episode 9 from 2019-10-14T07:00

Locusts, cicadas, and hard hats oh my! We're reading the reviews you want to hear! This time we read everything from book reviews to communion wafers. Listen now, because THIS. IS. CRITICAL.

46: Fitness Centers in Cheyenne, WY from 2019-10-09T07:00

Welcome to the start of our podcast recording marathon, AKA our descent into madness, AKA our descent into Christine's basement full of teens. Listen as we unload reviews of fitness centers from Ch...

45: Tanning Salons in Huntington Beach, CA from 2019-10-02T07:00

It's Alex's birthday episode and we certainly made the most of it. We discuss killing penguins and the miracle of childbirth, all while Alex intimately sings the praises of Scrub Daddy. Listen to y...

44: Runzas in Lincoln, NE from 2019-09-25T07:33:41

Don't know what a runza is? Don't listen to us, because we think it's a hot dog bun sewn shut and filled with questionable ingredients. We don't have personal experience because we don't even kn...

43: Antique Stores in Portland, ME from 2019-09-18T07:00

We're heading to Maine on the Gossip Train! We're stopping at the Charles Inn for a ghost made breakfast. Then we'll tour the basement where Stephen King lives, butchering the name of the town whil...

42: Ice Cream Parlors in Charleston, WV from 2019-09-11T07:00

Adjust your husky pants and let us show you the world, shining glimmering... something. We're back and we're hungry for what West Virginia has to offer, hairy underbelly and all. So turn your ;(...

Between You And Us: Episode 8 from 2019-09-09T07:00

If you’ve ever read the name of our podcast and thought to yourself, "No one would ever complain that their water is too wet..." then boy do we have the episode for you! This week we read review...

41: Psychics in Albuquerque, NM from 2019-09-04T07:00

This week, we explore the underbelly (and overbelly) of Albuquerque. No clue what that means? Let's just say one has high metaphysical prices while the other is ruled by a farmer friar. Still no...

40: Gas Stations in Wilmington, DE from 2019-08-28T07:00

We're forty, flirty, and friving! In this very special episodes, our jet lagged selves offer you a glimpse into what a Schiefer vacation is like. Hint: it involves wet shorts and Mao Zedong. The...

39: Bookstores in Portland, OR from 2019-08-21T07:00

Witness if you will a subway tunnel, long abandoned below the bustling streets of Cincinnati. These tunnels have residents: Yelp reviewers. Let it be known that these reviewers have a disdain fo...

38: McDonald's Restaurants in Billings, MT from 2019-08-14T07:00

This episode is dedicated to all the Tonys out there! Gather your escargatoire, put the salt away, and unfriend all Pauls, because it's time for another exploration of awful reviews and the peop...

Between You And Us: Episode 7 from 2019-08-12T07:00

Slip on some lulus, take a sip of yuppie crack, and dive into another week of crazy reviews sent in by you! Whether your name is Shinny or Sheenad, you'll enjoy this exploration of awful reviews...

37: Dollar Stores in Birmingham, AL from 2019-08-07T07:00

Hello sweet children of a friend of ours, we hope you're having the BDE. Unfortunately ours is the WDE, because our Hot Bunz aren't working and Christine won't let Alex sell his Ten Renaissance ...

36: Banks in Charlotte, NC from 2019-07-31T07:00

Welcome to Christine's Unnamed Game Show featuring Skeeve Harvey! In this episode, we cover finance, art history, sports, and rats. And Christine gives us some fascinating insight into her life:...

35: Souvenir Shops in Atlantic City, NJ from 2019-07-24T07:00

Alex: *loudly and desperately* "I FOLLOWED NONE OF THAT, BUT I HATED ALL OF THAT" *breaks into a sweat* Christine: *pulls up barstool* "EEK!!" *clinks glass* We hope you enjoy another exploratio...

34: Walmarts in Sioux Falls, SD from 2019-07-17T09:01:30

Calling all Walmartians! We came out of our basement to bring you an episode chock full of glory holes and racism. But don't worry, Christine left her teen greeters down there with the hair and ...

33: Bars in Columbus, OH from 2019-07-10T07:00

In this week's episode we visit bars in Columbus to perfect our espionage techniques. It turns out, Christine is not a master criminal. Flip on your DB Cooper Baby Monitor and enjoy another expl...

Between You And Us: Episode 6 from 2019-07-08T07:17:37

We've intercepted Bob Schieffer's emails to bring you this very important episode. He'd probably give this podcast 0 bombs if he could.  But we hope the rest of you enjoy another exploratio...

32: Sporting Goods Stores in Anchorage, AK from 2019-07-03T08:12:38

We're bringing you another episode of Beach Too Sandy! We explore the sporting goods stores of Anchorage and get diplomatic about Alaskan weather. Then, Alex reads reviews written by the hardest...

31: Breweries in Little Rock, AR from 2019-06-26T13:04:19

Grab your tweens and make them listen to our wildest episode yet! Something is absolutely in the water supply and it's not making anyone more sane. Hear what the drunk people of Little Rock are ...

30: Crab Houses in Baltimore, MD from 2019-06-19T07:00

Hi! We’re new and we don’t know a lot. What we do know is that these reviews are ridiculous as always. We read reviews written by some very crabby people and then Alex proves that Southern Calif...

Between You And Us: Episode 5 from 2019-06-17T07:37:01

A Beach Too Sandy love story: We love you very much and we will never hurt you.

Come join us as we dive into our email inbox and read the best of the best citizen reviews!

If you'd...

28: Tattoo Shops in Tulsa, OK from 2019-06-05T07:00

Between all the talk of pearls and jumper cables, this episode is particularly heinous. For that reason, we're officially putting a ban on 13-19 year olds listening to this podcast. For everyone...

27: Ghost Tours in New Orleans, LA from 2019-05-29T07:27:40

Welcome to our morning morbid show with morning joe. In today's episode, we're taking you on a very bumpy ride through New Orleans. Please refrain from peeing or exposing yourself, no matter wha...

26: Parks in Milwaukee, WI from 2019-05-22T07:46

Is it possible for people to give their local parks bad reviews? Yes. And it's as crazy as you'd think! Alex then reads conspiracy theory reviews that no one needs to hear. Whether you listen to...

25: DMVs in Phoenix, AZ from 2019-05-15T07:00

Get your sunglasses emoji ready, because we've got some "cool" reviews for you. We're reading the worst reviews of DMVs in Phoenix, AZ. Now imagine how boring an episode like that would normally...

Between You And Us: Episode 4 from 2019-05-13T07:00

Ghosts, choking, vampires... wait, what podcast is this again? Oh yeah, the one where we take the mask off of humanity and reveal its truest form. And in this episode, we're back to reading revi...

24: Post Offices in Washington, DC from 2019-05-08T07:00

In our most educational episode yet, we broaden your vocabulary as well as your understanding of the Geneva Convention. But don't worry, there's plenty of stupidity as we explore our nation's ca...

23: Toy Stores in Chicago, IL from 2019-05-01T07:00

Welcome to Geppetto's Geriatric Sex Dungeon. Grab a doll, pick a booth, and enjoy our tastiest episode yet! We learn about all the toys Chicago has to offer, and we explore the stupidest recipe ...

22: Beaches in Honolulu, HI from 2019-04-24T07:00

In this week's episode, we reveal our titular story. We also discuss condoms, feces, and panty liners. So basically... we're discussing humanity this episode. We do that by reading reviews of bo...

21: Elementary Schools in Pittsburgh, PA from 2019-04-17T07:00

This podcast made me laugh so bad!!! I threw up. It's time to kick off your Skechers and enjoy a new episode of Beach Too Sandy. While exploring reviews of elementary schools, we inadvertently e...

20: Nostalgia in Los Angeles, CA from 2019-04-11T07:00

Episode 20 is the extravaganza you didn't know you needed! To mark the special occasion, we surprise each other with reviews of places that are close to our hearts. Hop in Guy Fieri's convertibl...

Between You And Us: Episode 3 from 2019-04-08T07:00

Cover your trouser! We're back with some PHAT reviews, ranging from Starbucks to Mount Rushmore. This episode = was passable. Just don't laugh too loudly or we'll call security... and remember, ...

19: Coffee Shops in Seattle, WA from 2019-04-03T07:14:03

In our quest to find the worst reviews, we may have found the worst one yet. As difficult as that was, we make it through. Next in our journey, we get lost in the Bermuda Triangle of Yelp pages,...

18: Comedy Clubs in Hartford, CT from 2019-03-27T07:00

This week, Lisa Lampanelli graces us with her voice... and a plea to our beautiful listeners. This is followed by plenty of tallywagging from Alex and hooting from Christine. And we cap it all o...

17: Hospitals in Boston, MA from 2019-03-20T07:00

In this week's episode, we take on communism, mary-juana, and the feminist agenda. It's truly an episode for the ages. But don't worry, we bleep out the worst of it. Thankfully, the world still ...

16: Hardware Stores in Nashville, TN from 2019-03-13T07:00

If you ever want to blackmail us with fake audio pulled from various sound bites, boy do we have the episode for you! We provide you with amazing quotes such as "I'm going to flip my shit and bu...

Between You And Us: Episode 2 from 2019-03-11T07:00

The voices of a generation reading reviews sent in by fans of a generation. That's right, we're back and we're engaging in civil dialogue. We're reading what YOU want us to read. Instead of spen...

15: Record Stores in Indianapolis, IN from 2019-03-06T08:00

RudeJuggalo, WeedLMFAO, alxdude9, and imalwayzcrazy444. Which ones are our old AIM accounts and which are new? You have to listen to find out! This week we travel to Indianapolis to visit some o...

14: Libraries in Los Angeles, CA from 2019-02-27T08:00

Hooded figures, dead bodies, and squirt machines. Or, your average Beach Too Sandy episode. If you think this episode stinks, watch out for our next collab: Corpse-be-Gucci. This episode is idea...

13: Comic Book Shops in New York, NY from 2019-02-20T08:00

Hear ye hear ye! Green grocers and proprietors alike! We have an episode  that will surely challenge your views and give you a bad case of the sweats. Gather yourself below one of the Brook...

12: Liquor Stores in Louisville, KY from 2019-02-13T08:00

In this week's episode, the gang announces their next venture (unfortunately it's not a liquor store in Louisville, KY). Please wish us luck on our imminent future as born again Belgians, and pl...

Between You And Us: Episode 1 from 2019-02-11T08:00

In the first edition of our monthly Between You And Us episodes, we read reviews of your most suggested item. This episode is an exploration of the human body and its limits. You will l...

11: Strip Clubs in Las Vegas, NV from 2019-02-06T08:00

WARNING! Do not let your ladies listen to this show. We will steal them from you. In episode 11 we go back to our roots: Vegas strip clubs. More specifically, the Chippendales show which helped ...

10: Museums in Boise, ID from 2019-01-30T08:11:44

Welcome to episode 10 of the podcast where a couple of poorly dressed jobsworths read awful reviews. This very special episode is full of big announcements and big egos.  We even answer the...

9: Waffle Houses in Atlanta, GA from 2019-01-23T08:00

What's the difference between Waffle House and your friendly neighborhood orgy? According to this week's reviews, possibly nothing. Whichever one you're going to, be sure to watch out for pink e...

8: Dentists in Denver, CO from 2019-01-16T08:00

Psst... yeah you... ever heard of... Presbyterianism? Then do we have the episode for you. We explore Denver for the worst reviews of dentists. Then we spread the good word of Ouija board review...

7: Bridal Shops in Houston, TX from 2019-01-09T08:00

Buckle up, folks, because things are about to get "unsettling." Tune in to hear bridal store reviews from angry brides-to-be in Houston...and their dolls. Meanwhile, Alex introduces a couple toy...

6: Pet Stores in Salt Lake City, UT from 2019-01-02T09:11:39

Lost the instruction manual for your new pet bird? You’ve come to the right place! This week we read pet store reviews in Salt Lake City before trailBLAZing down an uncomfortable path of sci-fi ...

5: Hair Salons in Ann Arbor, MI from 2018-12-26T05:00

Join us this week as we head to Ann Arbor to hear what people think of their local hair salons. Please enjoy, but watch out for the dead body out back. 

Buy our merch! Listen

4: Tech Stores in Jacksonville, FL from 2018-12-19T08:00

Wuz up! In episode 4 we explore the world of tech stores in Jacksonville, FL. 

Buy our merch! https://stor...

3: Car Washes in Minneapolis, MN from 2018-12-12T08:00

It's episode three, y'all! Tune in for some...interesting...reviews of car washes in Minneapolis, MN. 

Buy our merch! Listen

2: Hotels in Kansas City, MO from 2018-12-12T08:00

Episode two is here! We cover 1-star reviews of hotels in Kansas City, MO. 

Buy our merch! https://store.d...

TRAILER from 2018-12-07T08:00:50

Is your beach too sandy? Water too wet? Ice too cold? More importantly, do you feel like yelling about it on the internet? We’re here to help. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet features dramatic readi...

TRAILER from 2018-12-07T08:00:50

Is your beach too sandy? Water too wet? Ice too cold? More importantly, do you feel like yelling about it on the internet? We’re here to help. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet features dr...

TRAILER from 2018-12-07T08:00:50

Is your beach too sandy? Water too wet? Ice too cold? More importantly, do you feel like yelling about it on the internet? We’re here to help. Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet features dr...