085 – Toxic Relationships - a podcast by Alf Herigstad

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TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS….
Before I get into it, I want to say thanks to everyone who has been sending me feedback about the show, and about the video spot http://hooplaha.com/ (HooplaHa) did about us.  The feedback I’m getting really makes my day.  It makes me feel like we are on the right track, that the message is being received, and that it is having a positive impact in the world.  So, thank you to everyone who has reached out and let me know your thoughts about the show…I do not take it lightly.  It makes me feel like I should keep doing this.Today’s episode is a result of some of that feedback.  This is a listener inspired episode.  The remarkable thing to me was that this was sent in by a man who is being a better man, and he is only 16 years old.  That is so awesome, It’s great for me to know that people of his age are listening.  His name is Mike, and his question was about a certain type of relationship that many of us, myself included, are familiar with.Many of you will probably identify with Mikes story, he had been in a serious but toxic relationship.  The girl in this relationship was manipulative and controlling and eventually had him become separated with all of his close friends, he was even getting in fist fights because of this girl, and it was putting stress on his relationships with his family as well.
After ending the relationship his friends and family came right back into his life with love and support, all of his important relationships have luckily been restored.  But, it has been two years and Mike finds himself avoiding relationships with other girls, he is meeting nice girls but the memories of the pain of this toxic relationship prevent him from making new connections.So, like I said…I think this is a pretty common story.  It happens to guys all the time, and it happens to women as well.  I have seen women and men get involved with very controlling people or energy vampires.  They start influencing your behavior; how you dress, what you eat, who you hang out with and mostly…how you spend your time.  People like this drive wedges between you and your family because they insist on being the most important thing in your universe.
Eventually, when the relationship falls apart, which it always does…there you are, left with the remains and rubble of your former relationships.  In Mike’s case he was lucky that his friends and family rallied around him quickly, in many cases some of the damage that is done is irreparable.  It’s understandable though, that Mike has become gun-shy about relationships…who wants to go through that again?I can relate very well to this because like I said, this has happened to me.  Yes believe it or not, I, your humble host am a former casualty of toxic relationships.  Notice I said casualty, and not victim.  I refuse to be a victim.  The truth is I was a casualty, meaning I was hurt…but it was my own fault.
That’s the first point I want to make is that whenever we find ourselves going through something like this, it is a natural tendency to blame the other human involved, after all, they are the ones doing all the bad stuff not us, right?  That may be true…but they could not treat you like that in the first place unless you allow them to.  At some point you made a choice to give something up in order to be with them…thats your fault, just as it was my fault.I want to acknowledge Mike, because even at 16 he already knows better than to trash talk the other person, that is very adult of him.  In his letter he took responsibility for what happened and I applaud him for that.  But now he’s gun shy…the prospect of a new relationship is terrifying and understandably so.  It just so happens I know a thing or two about being gun shy as well.
In fact, there was a period of my life that I had such rotten luck with women that I just gave up…I quit.  I decided that it just wasn’t worth it to me...

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