199 – Is She The One? - a podcast by Alf Herigstad

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My name is Alf Herigstad and I would like to welcome you to Being A Better Man.  The podcast that is focused on the character of men exclusively.   We talk about a wide range of topics here, but they all relate back to us individually, and what kind of men we are.As I go through this episode I will be using the pronouns of heterosexual relationships, mainly because that is the majority of who I’m talking to.  If you are of another gender preference or persuasion just insert your own identifier.  The him, her, he, she isn’t that important…what’s important is that we are all humans and these things are true for everyone.
There is a question that every man asks himself through the course of his life.  Sometimes he asks it once, and sometimes it may be several times.  The question I’m talking about comes up when you meet a new potential woman who you think might be worth investing yourself in.  The question is;  “Is she the one.”THE ONE.  That is kind of a big deal in our common vernacular.  It is a statement that combines a lot of concepts together.  Like will she be a good wife, a good mother.  Will she be a good partner in the the lifestyle that I want to live, will we be happy together forever?  Will she get along with my family and does she like dogs and if I go fishing will she want to come with me?
For each one of us, the requirements of “THE ONE” may be different.  We all have a different idea of that dream girl, and it depends a lot on where you are from and what your interests are.  What your sense of humor is like and what kind of person you are attracted to.  It’s different for everybody. Even when we know the answers.  Even when we know the kind of person we are looking for, it seems like this question frequently comes up, sometimes at the last minute, when you are on the threshold of the altar about to get married.  “Is she the one?”
The intent of this episode is to give you a shortcut to that answer.  Some of you that are blinded by love or lust won’t hear me…but hopefully the rest of you will.I’ll start by identifying some of the ways you can be sure she is not the “ONE”. 
If you have frequent fights, or any fights, and call each other names—she is not the one.  Remember nothing gets better–if you are fighting now, you will fight more later. 
If you feel like you have sacrificed a portion of your personal identity in order to be with her, she is not the one.  If your identity is diminished in the relationship it will create resentment that builds until it erupts, usually in an ugly way.In the event spending time with her and her family seems more like a chore than a joy…she is not the one.  Anything that seems forced or unnatural is a red flag to be aware of.
You each have things that are important to you.  If her things become more important than your things, there is inequity, and she is not the one.  Love can’t thrive where inequity persists.If you are the only source of her happiness and fulfillment, if the world revolves around you alone it may feel good at first.  However, it could be a sign that she is incapable of generating her own happiness and therefore, may not be the one.  Besides, no human should be entirely responsible for another persons happiness.If she is jealous for no reason, she definitely is not the one.
If she is attempting to change you in any way, if she is unsatisfied with something about you and is encouraging a different behavior…she is not the one.  You need to accept each other exactly how you are in the moment.If you ever find yourself complaining about her to your close friends…she is not the one.I’m just scratching the surface here with signs she is not the one—but you should get the general idea.  If something isn’t right in the beginning…it never gets better.  In the beginning is when people are on their best behavior, from there the little problems become huge issues.
Now I’ll...

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