"How to support a friend during her fertility journey" a conversation with Katy Seppi of Chasing Creation - a podcast by Danielle Bayard Jackson

The latest statistics reveal that 58% of women who are childless don’t have any childless friends or family members. Who do they turn to for support? And how do their fertility journeys impact their friendships?

In this episode, friendship expert and educator Danielle Bayard Jackson is joined by the founder of Chasing Creation and host of Lighthouse Women, Katy Seppi, to discuss the ways that women can who do and do not have children can find a way to maintain their friendship when fertility issues arise.  From the perspectives of both mothers and childless women,, Danielle and Katy give tips on how to navigate this territory, and explore the degrees of miscommunication and disconnect with your female friends.

In this episode, you’ll learn how to:

1. Avoid giving toxic positivity to a friend during her fertility journey
2. Notice a friend’s  silent struggle
3. Recognize (and mediate) lifestyle differences
4. Explore new ways of relating

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Whether a woman has started their fertility journey, remained childless, or recently became a mother, feelings of disconnect from friends and even themselves can occur. Talking through these situations with female friends may generate blanket statements like, “Don’t worry, we’ll be friends no matter what”. But, these over-simplified remarks just bury the problems at hand, and cause more splintering in friendships. So what are some ways to keep connections strong or repair the fractured relationships in our lives?

If a friend is sharing their struggle with infertility, the instinctual response is to be uplifting and encouraging. “Keep trying, don’t give up, just pray on it and have hope.” This begins to sound like annoying Hallmark cards and is more dismissive of the pain than helpful. These forms of toxic positivity may come from not knowing what to say or trying to fix a problem. But your friend doesn’t need fixing, rather a space to be listened to. And if the tables are turned, communicating this need for your female friends to hold space for heavy emotions like grief or disappointment can go a long way in avoiding disconnect on both ends.

Some women do not share when they begin their fertility journey, and from a friendship standpoint it can seem like they’ve distanced themselves unexpectedly. For those with children, it may be hard for some friends on this journey to be around all of the successful pregnancies, kids birthday parties or baby showers while they’re working through this experience. If something feels off in your friendships, reach out, try asking questions, listen and be supportive in sitting with that friend through their discomfort.

Recognize the pieces of each friend’s life that are meaningful to them and celebrate those milestones. It won’t be the same for mothers as it will be for childless women, but these lifestyle differences don’t have to be the end of the friendships that have been around since before the kids, or a majorly successful career. And while it can be hard to balance everything, prioritizing time to catch up with your friends (uninterrupted) can keep your relationships strong.

Finding new ways to relate or topics to chat about can become increasingly difficult when your worlds look nothing alike. And if a friend is going through an especially difficult time, the hurt of feeling unseen or disregarded can turn into animosity or resentment towards the friendship. Displays of attitudes or defensive aggression must be met with patience and reflection by both people. Tap back into what this person means to you and what the relationship should provide. Maybe even do a little research on what the friend is going through in an effort to understand. Frame these feelings as an invitation to connect and heal can go a long way.

Sometimes friendships do end over these lifestyle changes, and it can be painful to realize that the other person cannot meet you halfway. Navigating these feelings in addition to the grief or struggle that's already present is even more challenging. But stating your intentions and desire to move forward with these friends can be powerful enough to overcome the hard times.

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