36 Questions That Can Lead to Love - and Happier Thanksgivings - a podcast by WNYC Studios

Arthur Aron runs the “Interpersonal Relationships Lab” at SUNY-Stony Brook. (And, by the way, he does that alongside his wife, Elaine Aron. They’ve been together 47 years.) I called him up because I wanted to figure out how important listening was to making all of us closer. The answer: really important. Fundamental, even.

But it’s not just listening, it’s how you listen.

“The research suggests that the biggest effect of listening is how responsive you are,” he said. “If you listen and the other person doesn’t know you’re listening, it doesn’t do much good.”

Responsiveness is about more than just nodding along: it means processing what a speaker has said, and building on it. Aron says good listening comes down to three core elements: letting your partner know you understand them, validating them (you don’t have to agree, just let them know their point of view makes sense), and making sure they realize you care for them.

Aron knows all this because he’s the guy who devised the now-famous “36 questions.” It’s a list of questions that range from routine (“Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?”) to deeply personal (“What is your most terrible memory?”). The idea is for couples to pair off and exchange answers. This mutual disclosure speeds up the kind of intimacy we usually experience when making a new friend. The questions were popularized earlier this year, when a New York Times article framed them as “The 36 Questions That Lead to Love.” (Actually, they’ve been shown to reduce bias and create friendships in addition to sparking romance.)

It turns out, for these questions to work, listening is essential. Couples get closer if they take turns answering - rather than having each person answer all the questions at once. The questions open up an opportunity for us to genuinely respond to each other. To listen and build. That’s their magic.

And it can work for Thanksgiving conversation too. Aron and his wife have played the question game with friends and at parties. His research has shown that if you have two married couples answer the questions, together, everyone benefits - the partners are closer, and the bond between the couples gets stronger, too.

So, if you’re looking for a turkey day icebreaker that gets everyone to listen a bit better, you might consider getting people together in smaller groups and giving out question cards. Aron and his wife also recommend that people write their own questions to add to their original list of 36. The key, they say, is to have the questions gradually ramp up in intimacy.

Here are some from our team. Tell us what you might ask!

From host Mary Harris: What's the one place on earth you want to visit? Why haven't you been there yet?

From reporter Kenny Malone: What recurring nightmares do you have?

From project manager Elaine Chen: What was your first job?

From reporter/producer Paige Cowett: Can you remember what it felt like to be a little kid? Describe it.

 

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