Podcasts by Square Roots - THE Classic RPG Podcast

Final Fantasy VIII Part 7 - I'm Really Mee-Maw from 2021-03-29T06:01:43

Holy heck! Square Roots is FIVE whole years old! We debate whether half a decade is a long time as well as other hot topics like:
- Vanessa doesn't want to be in a certain Posse
- Th...

Final Fantasy VIII Part 6 - You Can Show Yourselves Out from 2021-03-22T07:44:08

Okay, this is an incredible episode.
Why? Because of the following talking points:

- A Kramer Versus Kramer Scenario
- A Difficult Cidtuation
- Ruby Dragon: A XXX...

Final Fantasy VIII Part 5 - It's Climbing Oil from 2021-03-15T07:29:59

YEAH! We're only on Disc 2 and yet it's already Disc 3 crazy. This episode: we discuss Mortal Monday and the declaration of release dates; the world's most obvious Alan Tudyk pun; we list out th...

Final Fantasy VIII Part 4 - Mrs. Cidfire from 2021-03-08T10:03:25

We all have a game
That we hide away forever
Then we take it out and play ourselves
When everything is wrong
Some are Seifer some are Squall
Some are Selphie and so...

Final Fantasy VIII Part 3 - Featuring Leelee Sobieski as Quistis from 2021-03-01T08:33:36

Vanessa gets lost in her role as the Sorceress Edea in this jam-packed episode of Square Roots. Not only do we discuss all sorts of kinds of tap dances, we also look at Rinoa's comfortable sweat...

Final Fantasy VIII Part 2 - The Hot Dog Room from 2021-02-22T09:43:54

Have the tables turned on Final Fantasy 8? Is everyone loving it all of a sudden? What the hell? One word: TRAINS. On this episode of Square Roots: we visit the hot dog room, Vanessa wants feath...

Final Fantasy VIII Part 1 - Seifer Is The Biff Tannen from 2021-02-15T10:49:49

Oh boy. The JRPG you either love, hate, or have another opinion on - Square's Final Fantasy VIII. Topics covered today: L'il Baby I Don't know; this game is about reading in a serious way; ident...

Mass Effect 2 Part 6 - Doctor Chocolates from 2021-02-08T08:35:44

Mass Effect 2 COMPLETE. How many hosts crossed the finish line? Did everyone side with the Alliance or The Illustrated Man? Why were the Reapers building a Baby Terminator? What's up with all th...

Mass Effect 2 Part 5 - The MsvDLT from 2021-02-01T08:42:53

You'll be glad you came to listen to this episode of our Mass Effect 2 playthrough, because it's got it all: Vanessa questioning whether Johnny knows what a nipple is, Luke's classic line "No yo...

Mass Effect 2 Part 4 - Leave My Balls Out Of It from 2021-01-25T08:29:12

On this week's episode of Square Roots, we clear up all the Loyalty Missions in Mass Effect 2, as well as so many other shocking revelations including: Elcor stepmom fan fiction, Wesident Evil 8...

Mass Effect 2 Part 3 - Avocado Nom from 2021-01-18T09:47:31

Finally, we get the whole team together in this action-packed chunker of Mass Effect! This week: tum-tums are punched and shot, we lean into our kids show host natures, Vanessa wants to Shape of...

Mass Effect 2 Part 2 - What If Kaiden and Carth Kissed? from 2021-01-11T08:03:18

We're now getting deep into Mass Effect 2! On this episode we recruit the prisoner, meet up with Doctor Okurrrrrrrr, and save the Horizon Zero Dawn colony. Also this week: we compare the abiliti...

Mass Effect 2 Part 1 - Hot Jabba from 2021-01-04T07:54:47

On your favorite podcast on the citadel this season: we discuss Mass Effect 2! So much to go through that this chunker hits almost three hours. Sorry. Topics discussed include: Miranda's game co...

Vagrant Story Part 4 - It's A Whole Thing from 2020-12-28T05:28:33

We wrap up Squaresoft's Vagrant Story this week, and with that the Sydney and Ashley's story ends. Lots of stuff to talk about: is Crimson Shroud an Ivalice game? Tip versus Root versus Rood? Wh...

Vagrant Story Part 3 - Classic Square Roots Character Leppity Moore from 2020-12-21T11:45:30

Frankly, this episode was an embarassment of riches for possible titles. We could have had: "Butt Metal Game Music", "Nugget Furniture After Dark", "Korn's Haze Theme", "Party Talk Is In The Hou...

Vagrant Story Part 2 - Locker Worthy from 2020-12-14T11:31:05

After we all throw Vanessa in a locker for insisting on using the term baileywick "we" continue to "play" Vagrant story, with varying degrees of quotation marks needed on a host-by-host basis. B...

Vagrant Story Part 1 - Are We Ready To Talk About That Dumper? from 2020-12-07T11:35:24

Oh yeah, life goes on, until your servants and kids are taken hostage by a cult. On this first episode of Squaresoft's Vagrant Story, even I cringe at my pronunciation of Solstice. Also discusse...

Fable II Part 4 - Robots Don't Smell from 2020-11-30T12:14:19

Is the world too mean to Molyneux? Did he enjoy that picture of himself as a snake oil salesman in the game? What happened to all of Johnny's husbands? Did The Great British Bake-Off steal Fable...

Fable II Part 3 - The Libeartarians of Bloodstone from 2020-11-23T09:12:32

When Johnny's away, the podcast does talk about politics! On this week's episode Matthew, Jim and Vanessa tackle Libeartarianism, Jim googles stuff, and Vanessa decides to unwisely crush on Reav...

Fable II Part 2 - The Crooshible from 2020-11-16T09:53:38

Okay, I'm just going to say it: this week we mercilessly bully Matthew. It's true. Jim, Vanessa and Johnny focus on Matthew's pronunciation instead of on Lionhead Studio's classic action RPG Fab...

Fable II Part 1 - Dog Box, You'll Call It from 2020-11-09T10:25:23

By harnessing the power of the Xbox 360, we move into Lionhead Studios' wacky, Discworld-esque Fable II. Topics touched on today: Blast Corps memories, travelling back to the Willenium, more Mol...

Chrono Cross Part 7 - owo, wouwdst thou wike the taste of buttow? from 2020-11-02T10:33:05

Oh boy. We finished Squaresoft's 2000 epic, Chrono Cross. And it didn't quite go the way we imagined. There's a lot to cover on this episode, including the WAT, PolisPolice, Clive, Jill and Josh...

Chrono Cross Part 6 - The Full Buns from 2020-10-26T08:51:51

In this dragon-fighting episode of Square Roots, we finish Disc 1 of Squaresoft's Chrono Cross. Also: Jim describes a movie that cannot possibly exist, we try to guess who is in a werewolf movie...

Chrono Cross Part 5 - Time Echoes Are NOT Ghosts from 2020-10-19T08:49:17

On this reality-warping episode of Square Roots, things get... complicated in Square's Chrono Cross. First of all: we're deep in Disc 3 crazy and it's just disc 1. Also: cookin' up enemies, how ...

Chrono Cross Part 4 - Tummy Two-Tome from 2020-10-12T08:08:58

Finally, we catch up with Masamune, everyone's favorite zany fellas, except now they're a sword and it's depressing. Also discussed: Nikki is a quarter fish, Scandinavian UwU, the ramifications ...

Chrono Cross Part 3 - Ouch Water from 2020-10-05T09:51:50

We're back in the original timeline in Chrono Cross, but that doesn't stop things from getting real trippy and weird. We meet a frog dragon, there's a terrifying fairy genocide, recruit an oWo, ...

Chrono Cross Part 2 - THERE'S NO GIRLFRIENDS IN SPACE from 2020-09-28T09:48:26

In this episode, we get all exploded by time. Especially Jim. So much Jim. Have you ever heard Jim mad? You will today. Because Jim found out what happened to the Epoch.

This Week:...

Chrono Cross Part 1 - Poshul Is A Human Man In A Suit Pretending To Be A Dog from 2020-09-21T07:49:12

We start everyone's favorite sequel to Chrono Trigger: Chrono Cross! Finally we catch up with our favourite pals, Chrono, Lucca, Frog, Robo, and see what they're doing, right? Right? After a whi...

Mario + Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story Part 5 - What You Gotta Do When You Got That Wet Ass Puzzle from 2020-09-14T08:03:52

VANESSA DOESN'T KNOW WHO CAPTAIN TOAD THE TREASURE TRACKER IS AND THAT IS INSANE. Also this week, as we finish Nintendo's Mario + Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story on 3DS, we talk about Luigi's glist...

Mario + Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story Part 4 - Do You Know What Bungeon is Short For? from 2020-09-07T08:12:13

Kuzzle. *teehee*

In this chunker of Bowser's Inside Story, Vanessa makes a shocking discovery: no one was exaggerating Luigi's treatment by the saucy Wisdurm. Also this chunker: Bow...

Mario + Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story Part 3 - Sam Elliott Explains Tickle Consent from 2020-08-31T09:58:10

Either Bill Paxton or Bill Pullman shows up as well in this star-studded episode of Square Roots! We continue with Nintendo's Bowser's Inside Story and stumble over Jesse's Girl 2, fail a whole ...

Mario + Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story Part 2 - #HOLESOME from 2020-08-24T08:29:56

There's no way that things could get weird in this chunker of Bowser's Inside Story where Bowser eats his vegetables, right? Sam Elliott would disagree, and he is here to guide Vanessa through a...

Mario + Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story Part 1 - Moratorium On Any S-Words from 2020-08-17T09:20:23

This week we start Nintendo's DS / 3DS Mario Brothers RPG! Just a heads up, we may mention vore a few times. And inflation. And squirting. Splashing. Squishing. So many S-Words.

This Week...

OOPS! All Listeners! from 2020-08-13T20:10:16

Hi friends! There was an accident at the podcast factory, but instead of only mouth-cutting corn puffs, this podcast is entirely* listener produced!

Special thanks to:

Gabe Kleinar...

Persona 4 Part 8 - Square Roots Voreses Bowser from 2020-08-10T07:10:16

There's so much here. There's Lady Spawn. We find like five layers of Marie's secrets. We ask a gas station attendant if they gave us super powers. We get very confused about both the game's myt...

Persona 4 Part 7 - [REDACTED]'s 20 Page Post About Ghostbusters 2016 from 2020-08-03T09:48:33

[REDACTED] is a really great person, we wish him well. In this episode of Square Roots, we get pretty close to the end of Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4 Golden. Some highlights: figuring out the ...

Persona 4 Part 6 - GIMME YOUR HEARTS! from 2020-07-27T07:22:14

CW: transphobia

Ooof, we hit a pretty rough part of a game we were otherwise loving. On this chunk of Persona 4 we go to the Amagi Inn, do a concert, have a cultural festival and then the...

Persona 4 Part 5 - The Spanking Episode from 2020-07-20T07:26:23

Remember, here at Square Roots judging is a spankable offense. On this episode we check out a derailed trans narrative, there's a whole beach episode, we learn about yelling at fireworks, TJ Mil...

Persona 4 Part 4 - Ask Me About My Hot Buttered Noodles from 2020-07-13T07:44:23

On this exciting episde of Square Roots: we conquer the Void Quest dungeon in Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4 Golden. Topics discussed include: finally meeting the H-est of the T-s, Teddy's human ...

Persona 4 Part 3 - Scam Some Chicks from 2020-07-06T10:48:59

Will Yosuke's Operation Up Close and Personal come to fruition? Is Hanako the secret best character in the game? Will Jim be able to show up after seeing this virtual strip club? Or will Big Chu...

Persona 4 Part 2 - The Boy With The Hat: Hat Boy from 2020-06-29T09:06:07

WHYYYYYYYYYYY? On this week's Square Roots: We delve further into Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4 and get through Kanji Tatsumi's Rosy Steam Paradise. Also: we have several suggestions for a new U...

Persona 4 Part 1 - A Roomba With Googly Eyes from 2020-06-22T08:24:03

Are you the Persona inside him? Who is the H-est of the T's? In this episode we explore Jim's Pee-Shyness, Johnny's Silent Hill bathroom dreams, argue best Persona 4 intro song, start our Nanako...

Final Fantasy X-2 Part 7 - Babe! from 2020-06-15T10:18:13

We wrap up Final Fantasy X-2 and have thoughts. Many thoughts. First: Johnny forgets New Kids on the Block. Also: holes. So many holes. Even a math hole! Also: the Vegnagun. Will Tidus enjoy dat...

Final Fantasy X-2 Part 6 - Remember How We Made All Those Monkeys [REDACTED] from 2020-06-08T07:21:41

Johnny and Vanessa are the only two left powering through Final Fantasy X-2, but Matthew is here for his colour commentary and still can't get past Yojimbo! In this episode: Vanessa has a lot of...

Final Fantasy X-2 Part 5 - Pretending To Be Character Actor Raphael Sbarge from 2020-06-01T07:35:26

I know that this podcast is usually a bit tangent-filled, but seriously, we have a hard time sticking to the plot of this mini-game and side-story packed episode. In this episode: Vanessa calls ...

Final Fantasy X-2 Part 4 - Spider-Man&Skeletor from 2020-05-25T09:20:26

In this sprawling episode of Square Roots, we have many revelations: She-Ra wasn't made to make Matt attractive, and he's angry about it! Also Seymour did everything because he thought it would ...

Final Fantasy X-2 Part 3 - Venga Boys Gun from 2020-05-18T07:56:39

There's a whole lot of side content, but we're real focused on the sacred Ronso site, Mount Gagazet. which Yuna and friends definitely would not defile. Also this week: we pick a side, Yuna puts...

Final Fantasy X-2 Part 2 - Adam&Stevenflow from 2020-05-11T08:20:50

Alright! We did it! We complete Chapter 1, and do a bunch of the side missions too. On this episode: we have a long discussion helping to normalize the moonflow and Marysville bathrooms, enjoy t...

Final Fantasy X-2 Part 1 - I Was Here For Lulu from 2020-05-04T05:53:56

Okay, okay, so we played about 45 minutes of Final Fantasy X-2. And then talked about it for an hour and a half. In our defense 1: it's bonkers 2: they don't clearly establish how the planning a...

Final Fantasy VII Part 10 - Prequel Confirmed from 2020-04-27T07:01:56

So much to talk about! We digest what the sudden ending of Final Fantasy VII means, shout SEPHIROTH a whole bunch, interpret the meaning of Lady and the Tiger, talk more about chocobo breeding, ...

Final Fantasy VII Part 9 - We're the Drain Snakes from 2020-04-20T09:19:52

You know, going in and out, like a drain snake does. Also: all your favorite 90s jams, Matthew's Head Shop, it takes a busty woman to know a busty woman, Rufus's explodes, Reeve's Reeveal, Tifa ...

Final Fantasy VII Part 8 - A Very Mac and Me Moment from 2020-04-13T05:08:06

Tifa pushes Cloud straight into the Lifestream in this exposition-packed episode! So much happens! A great train robbery! A submarine chase! A fight against a Mecha Godzilla! Locky Tugglebug! Fe...

Final Fantasy VII Part 7 - Filling Aeris's Dress With Rocks from 2020-04-06T09:42:03

THE THING HAPPENS. The thing! You know! SNOWBOARDING. Also? We try and figure out if Cloud is a 5 year old clone. About three hours of cut scenes. Sephiroth and Hojo tell you stuff that may or m...

Final Fantasy 7 Mailbag! from 2020-04-01T02:56:27

Hi friends!

Everyone wants to talk about Final Fantasy 7, and our episodes have been running real long, so have a mailbag episode! Topics include: belts and suspenders, Tifa, dreams...

Final Fantasy VII Part 6 - The Bone Zone from 2020-03-30T06:33:34

This episode is just chock full of bonkers moments from a very, very bonkers JRPG. Questions include: was Genesis Rhapsodos a member of Organization XII? Was Palmer Final Destination'd? Can a pl...

Final Fantasy VII Part 5 - Did Sephiroth Do This? from 2020-03-23T20:34:41

This week on a big, large, huge episode of Square Roots we ask: what happened to our first recording of this episode? Who doesn't love the pep? Why don't we all go to the Gun Arm Emporium? Who i...

Scare Roots - Dead Space from 2020-03-18T19:55:32

Hey! We're all having a pretty rough month so this special episode of Scare Roots was brought back from the deeeeeeeeead. Johnny, Jim and Doctor Steve Stone play through this terrifying tale of ...

Final Fantasy VII Part 4 - No Down Side from 2020-03-16T08:37:41

Matthew is on assignment for this chunker as we dig down into mid section of Disc 1. How long is this disc anyhow? Features of this chunker include: stealing from baby birds, a bit of Barret's b...

Final Fantasy VII Part 3 - That's Mrs. Eyeball Nipple from 2020-03-09T07:02:41

Final Fantasy VII Part 3 - That's Mrs. Eyeball Nipple

Another great debate: Does Jenova has an eyeball or nipple? On this week's episode: we do a terrible climing section, a million puzzl...

Final Fantasy VII Part 2 - Don't Actually Do It, It's Fine from 2020-03-02T08:18:10

IT'S THE WALL MARKET! THE BEST CHUNKER OF ANY JRPG EVER! In this episode: Cloud explores his gender identity and sexuality, we witness the death of the Cat Slide, Tseng politely attempts to kidn...

Final Fantasy VII Part 1 - All Around Me Are Familiar Faces from 2020-02-24T08:32:55

TWO HUNDRED EPISODES! How do we celebrate? By getting all nostalgic for the blocky lil' LEGO friends of Final Fantasy VII! In this chunker: President Shinra negs Cloud, we ride a pinball machine...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II Part 6 - Yaddle👏Lived👏In👏A👏Pit👏 from 2020-02-17T07:58:59

What happens if you leave Vanessa and Johnny alone to wrap up a game? Over two and a half hours of a two-fister, that's what happens. We can't be trusted to keep on track, so not only do we work...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II Part 5 - You Should Experience This 7-11 Alone from 2020-02-10T06:30:29

NEXT GAME ANNOUNCED! It's a Johnny and Vanessa two-fister in this odd chunker of Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords. First of all, we research Alanis's financial situation...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II Part 4 - Election Year from 2020-02-03T08:45:12

It's an Election Year on Onderon in Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic! We've got some disturbingly familiar candidates, as well as Mandalorians to team up with, a mystery to not solve, a se...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II Part 3 - Another Reverse Childbirth Kind of Scenario from 2020-01-27T10:29:12

In this exciting episode of Square Roots we visit Nar Shaddaa and find a couple of will they - won't they bounty hunters, Jellicle Katt fails to find a lightsaber, meet a bat boy, murder the ent...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II Part 2 - Bao-Dur's Gait from 2020-01-20T16:53:16

We get a bunch of annoying cold calls from corporate folks and faith healers, Jim once again fails to get dark or light side points, we got a lot of phone calls, teach a droid to lie, Revanites ...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II Part 1 - With Apologies to Dominic Monaghan from 2020-01-13T09:07:18

This episode requires an extended list of apologies: apologies to Beaumont Kin fans, Dominic Monaghan, fans of Outer Wilds, Baby Yoda, Obsidian, BioWare, Bacta afficianados, Timothy Omundson and...

Yakuza Part 5 - What's the Omi Alliance Again? from 2020-01-06T09:52:44

On this action-packed Yakuza finale we: celebrate Matthew's return from dangerous lands unknown; enjoy Square Roots's first Triple Jump In Front Of Bullets; question whether or not Johnny has ac...

Best of the Decade Listener Lists from 2019-12-30T06:03:35

We're taking the week off, but figured we'd check out your favorite games of the decade and comment and critique! If you want to hear our personal lists, check out Listen

Yakuza Part 4 - Here's the Church from 2019-12-23T08:26:05

We debate what is the scheme, who is being rescued, and what exactly is the Shape of Love in this explosive episode. First of all, Vanessa's audio track eats itself for half the show so she disa...

Yakuza Part 3 - I Saw Mommy Cucking Santa Claus from 2019-12-16T07:47:30

CW: Child abuse, transphobia

With Matthew still on dangerous assignment, Jim, Vanessa and Johnny get through some family-oriented business in this chunker of Sega's Yakuza (and Yaku...

Yakuza Part 2 - It's Like Pokémon If You're A Pervert from 2019-12-09T09:56:28

We get lost in the weeds of Sega's open world brawler RPG in this episode of Square Roots. While Matthew is lost in dangerous enemy territory, Vanessa recounts a horrifying beetle experience, Jo...

Yakuza Part 1 - White Queso Velveeta Clan from 2019-12-02T09:03:41

What are the Yakuza? Vanessa, Jim and Johnny aren't quite sure, but they try to talk it out using Kraft company metaphors. Also: Johnny fails at simple math, we get our first taste of the Majima...

Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines Part 5 - You Get One Chance, Baby from 2019-11-25T10:12:17

Jim's track got drank by audio vampires, but we just struggle on and edit him out! On this episode we fight real live werewolves, set the lasers to "human", and find a cabbie who will drive us t...

Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines Part 4 - Flesh Goblin Buttholes from 2019-11-18T08:37:38

This week on an exciting, vamp-filled episode of Square Roots: Vanessa fights a street shark with a Japanese demon hunter; the game wants us to pick a fight with a polite Kuei-Jin; Matthew press...

Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines Part 3 - It's Pronounced Zoobilee Zoo from 2019-11-11T08:09:04

In this exciting episode of Square Roots Jim disappears, Johnny doesn't know how to pronounce Tzimisce or Hamill, Vanessa's descent into Vampire the Masquerade mythology madness continues, and M...

Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines Part 2 - This Podcast Is A Creepypasta Now from 2019-11-04T08:24:23

Jim stumbles upon a secret room in Troika's Vampire: The Masquerade that we're not entirely sure exists in this sprawling episode of Square Roots. Also: Johnny is uncomfortable with the plaguebe...

Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines Part 1 - Sexy Ventriloquist Dummy from 2019-10-28T09:25:30

CW: Mental illness, sexual assault

Finally, Vanessa's greatest wish comes true and we start the sexy vampire chronicles of Troika's RPG classic: Vampire: The Masquerade: Bloodlines: The U...

Suikoden Part 6 - Tinkles&Windy from 2019-10-21T09:37:23

Before we finish Suikoden, ask yourself this: are you ready for front gate and back gate action? We gather our forces, recruit 108 stars, transcend mortality, deal with Anne Geddes, find a spy, ...

Suikoden Part 5 - An Inappropriately Named He-Man Villain from 2019-10-14T04:46:30

3 Ninjas kick back and join our party in this patricidal chunk of the Konami JRPG Suikoden. Join Kun To and all the other sluts for justice as we duel McDohl’s father, we recruit Alan...

Suikoden Part 4 - Deadly Grandma from 2019-10-07T09:42:41

Watch out - Sexy Grandma has ranked up in the lethal arts. Also: gambling financing an army, some big losses, Teo finds out his son is really into bears, reckless spore use, and so much more! Listen

Suikoden Part 3 - A Family Attack from 2019-09-30T09:46:38

Should you train your family to do a coordinated Unite attack? Matthew, Vanessa and a very sick Johnny consider this and so many other ideas in this action packed chunker of Konami's Suikoden. A...

Suikoden Part 2 - NINJA SMOKE BOMB from 2019-09-23T05:13:06

Finally, a game lets us name our castle. We decide on a variety of serious choices: it's a serious game, and it deserve serious names for the castle. We think you'll agree. Also: mandatory poiso...

Scare Roots - What Remains of Edith Finch! from 2019-09-20T13:47:16

CW: Child loss

JUMP SCARE!

Sorry for spookifying you. But Vanessa, Jim and Johnny are here with another Scare Roots - this time taking a look at What Remains of Edith F...

Suikoden Part 1 - Ted is the Urkel of Suikoden from 2019-09-16T07:41:29

Lots of Farmer's Almanac talk, Breaking Bad, Luc the Dickens Era Street Urchin, pondering if we've encountered our first gay couple, and so much more on this first episode of Suikoden!

Listen

Breath of Fire III Part 8 - TWIST! from 2019-09-09T08:59:17

Are they twists, or reveals? Is there a difference? Either way at least half the cast of Breath of Fire III has something to reveal in this astounding final episode of Breath of Fire III. Also: ...

Breath of Fire III Part 7 - Translation Error Celestial Navigation from 2019-09-02T09:31:56

Matthew just can't stop his faeries from eating each other in this desert-spanning episode! Breath of Fire somehow manages to go full Sierra game AND begin the space elevator up to Disc 3 Crazy!...

Breath of Fire III Part 6 - Incel Sheev from 2019-08-26T08:34:23

Are Jedis just a bunch of Chads? Should you guilt your party members into kissing a horny old man? Just how deadly are eggs? Just what was Johnny talking about that Matthew beeped out?
All...

Breath of Fire III Part 5 - Tickle Your Health Away from 2019-08-19T09:50:05

Breath of Fire III what is? This episode might not answer that, but it does have a variety of minigames to make your life so very very good. These include:

- pulling a bucket out of a wel...

Breath of Fire III Part 4 - Matthew Needs Faeries from 2019-08-12T05:49:58

Breath of Fire decides to take a long stroll through memory lane as a now grown-up Ryu revisits his childhood haunts. Fortunately Johnny has caught up, Vanessa finds something in common with Pec...

Scare Roots - Child's Play (1988) from 2019-08-06T08:49:53

Come join us for an animatronic, physical VFX filled spook 'em up, Child's Play! You know, the one with Chucky! The first one! Before he got married and had a family.

Jim and Johnny are j...

Breath of Fire III Part 3 - Either A Some Kind Of Wonderful Or Can't Buy Me Love Scenario from 2019-08-05T09:22:29

We take on a too-big chunker in a disasterous episode of Square Roots. For the first time in the history of the show, Matt is the only one who completed it. Also this episode: Johnny's problemat...

Breath of Fire III Part 2 - Uniporn from 2019-07-29T09:59:06

CW: Child loss, first 30 seconds.
From Tugglepuffs to unicorn brothers, this episode goes places other podcasts wouldn't. That's right: we talk about sneaky redistribution of wealth, consi...

Breath of Fire III Part 1 - Matted with Chrysm from 2019-07-22T06:58:07

CW: Child loss, 01h06min-01h12min

So many questions this episode. Are we going to get sick of protagonists Gary and Mogu? Can you get chrysm out of fur? Is there anything sadder th...

Fallout Part 5 - You Belong at the Olive Garden from 2019-07-15T07:29:11

Johnny starts writing his epitaph after a near-disaster at the Olive Garden in this week's chilling Fallout Finale. What really happened to Vanessa's dog? Is Johnny a psychopath? Did Matthew act...

Fallout Part 4 - Oh, Brother! from 2019-07-05T05:48:19

In this week's episode: the Grand High Brother from the Arkansas chapter of the Brotherhood is coming to visit, and Raxson demands the base be spotless! With a big promotion on the line, can Cab...

Fallout Part 3 - CDEDBD Dumpers from 2019-07-01T09:02:50

Jim, Johnny and Vanessa are drawn into a world of 1970s word games that don't quite work, municipal conflicts best resolved by staying out of it, accidental genocide, crash courses in water pump...

Scare Roots - Silent Hill 2 from 2019-06-27T08:40:38

Welcome to Square Roots's new spin-off podcast: Scare Roots! That's right, evil friends, we are looking at all things horrifying, disqueting, and sinister in gaming. This episode: we dissect Sil...

Fallout Part 2 - Joshton's Gun Show from 2019-06-24T09:38:15

Johnny and Vanessa head deep into the desert wasteland, two-handedly solving all the townsfolk's problems in Junktown and The Hub. Larry David's crime spree? Solved. Attacks on the caravans? Sol...

Fallout Part 1 - Hashtag Deep Thoughts from 2019-06-17T07:13:51

Yeah! It's time to crawl out of our Vaults and go explore the desert wasteland. On this episode: we deal with 90s UI, talk about hot hot E3 news, have even more problems with 90s UI, try to find...

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 5 - Tenderoni Tosse from 2019-06-10T08:20:56

Finally, Matthew easily plows through Zelda, while John struggles through the finish. With Jim recovering from surgery and Vanessa returning to her home planet it's one more two hander! Topics t...

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 4 - Jim's Hot Internals from 2019-06-03T06:20:25

Things get awkward after Vanessa flies back to her home planet and Jim recovers from surgery: that's right, after the level up this is a TWO-HANDER. John continues his angry rage against Nintend...

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 3 - Volvagia&Labiagia from 2019-05-27T09:49:32

HEYYYYYY OCARINA. Vanessa gets a theme song, John throws his expensive electronic equipment in a fit of rage, there's tons of minigames, Matthew figures out how to skip entire dungeon sections, ...

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 2 - Stepping On Your Bits from 2019-05-20T09:47:03

Be prepared to throw your 3DS across the room, because Vanessa, Jim, Matthew and John are back and haven't quite mastered the ancient art of z-targeting. At all. Even while using their wrists. S...

AVENGERS: ENDGAME SPOILERZONE! (also Crazy Ex-Girlfriend) from 2019-05-13T09:22:44

Hey! Our level up went incredibly long, and was mostly spoilers, so here it is in its own little package.

00:00 - Thrill as we break down The Avengers: Endgame and answer questions that y...

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Part 1 - Hey! Listen! from 2019-05-13T08:13:26

We talk about a spoilerzone at the end of the episode, but it turned out to be so beefy we've moved it to a separate episode! Check your feed!

It's a new game! We get to Ocarina som...

EarthBound Part 7 - Spankedy Spankedy Spankedy from 2019-05-06T09:35:50

With these fateful words, Earthbound comes to a close. We tear through Ness's subconscious, lose Jim, deal with the shock and horror of instakill attacks, and finally learn to use thoughts and p...

EarthBound Part 6 - This Week's Episode Was Brought To You By Chuck Palahniuk from 2019-04-29T07:32:53

Ness doesn't know who you are. Ness doesn't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you Ness doesn't have money, but what Ness does have are a very particular set of skills....

EarthBound Part 5 - Dungeon Man's Goodbye Tunnel from 2019-04-22T06:46:45

We're going to a pyramid! That's right! We're stealing cultural relics, entering a pastiche of China via Japan, failing to use proper signalling to attain enlightenment, trying to figure out the...

EarthBound Part 4 - Coffee, Andonuts? from 2019-04-15T07:33:24

Vanessa gets Star Wars crazy on this sprawling episode of Square Roots! We settle on Tony's sexuality while also learning how to spell "Tony", get drugged on a beach, fight the third strongest m...

EarthBound Part 3 - Those Plants That Drain Your PP from 2019-04-08T08:17:45

This very important episode is brought to you by physicals. Physicals! Visit your doctor and let them handle your bits today! Also on this episode: Jim and John share bathroom anxiety, missing s...

EarthBound Part 2 - Brother-Husbands from 2019-04-01T07:32:41

The gang ventures into Twoson to solve some cult-related problems. Topics covered this week: the Apple Kid (Steve Jobs) versus the Orange Kid (Steve Wozniak); crashing at the Exit Mouse House; h...

EarthBound Part 1 - Call Your Dad from 2019-03-25T08:22:04

Humans of Earth! Are you ready for... Mother 2? Or Earthbound? Whatever you want to call it! On this episode: Vanessa is on the gargle for St. Patrick's Day, John brings back a beloved segment, ...

Dragon Age: Origins Part 9 - Hardening Alistair from 2019-03-18T08:38:17

THE SHOCKING DRAGON AGE FINALE! We find out why only a Grey Warden can defeat an archdemon, Vanessa has to lend out Alistair's chunker, John does a Riordan voice that just annoys Matthew, Jim gi...

Dragon Age: Origins Part 8 - Vanessa, Queen of Ferelden from 2019-03-11T08:49:19

On this exciting episode of Square Roots Johnny is dummy thicc, Matthew is chasing Waterfalls, Vanessa's mom may be the Nanny from Muppet Babies, and Jim is the true Captain Marvel fan.

A...

Dragon Age: Origins Part 7 - Gatekeeping Lunatic! from 2019-03-04T09:05:46

NEXT GAME ANNOUNCED! Matthew, Vanessa, John and SOMEONE ELSE pack up and head to Denerim, harden Alistair, clear out a brothel, fight in alleys, and maybe get the nicest ladies in the party to t...

Dragon Age: Origins Part 6 - Ladies Love Cool Dark Spawn from 2019-02-25T08:58:09

Vanessa, Matthew and The Gay One link arms as we descend into the creepy, spooky, goopy depths of the Deep Roads! We're joined by the handsome dwarf Oghren, watch as he gets an aximonious divorc...

Dragon Age: Origins Part 5 - Richard Ay-Yi-Yi from 2019-02-18T09:23:31

We dive head first into a Shakespearean Dwarf drama as we interfere with the politics of Orzimarr on this intrieguing episode of Square Roots. Highlights include: trying to figure out what the s...

Dragon Age: Origins Part 4 - A Reverse Silence of the Lambs from 2019-02-11T09:38:35

We almost plunge into a full-on Square Roots this week with a wizard who asks you lots of complicated questions, and with a rhyming tree with a sexy / gross request. Also this week: Mat...

Dragon Age: Origins Part 3 - Brother Genitally from 2019-02-04T09:55:51

Are the Tranquil ideal romantic partners? Exactly 50% of the podcast thinks so. Also this episode: we get sleepy with demons, talk with Tim Curry without realizing it, journey into the fade for ...

Dragon Age: Origins Part 2 - Submit to the Taint! from 2019-01-28T08:07:17

Get all of the taint juice in your mouth in this savory, sweaty episode of Square Roots! Matthew is sick, but we experience the joining, meet Matthew's new girlfriend Morrigan, have some good ti...

Dragon Age: Origins Part 1 - BATTLE-MOM from 2019-01-21T08:41:02

Vanessa goes Steve Valentine crazy and doesn't even have to tell us he's a magician as we start the year off with our first episode of BioWarey / JanuBioWarey. It's chock-a-block with origin sto...

Dragon Quest V Part 6 - Annalum Retentium from 2019-01-14T08:53:22

We finally dispatch Ladja, try to figure out the pun behind King Korol, meet our mom, reunite with our wife, defeat a giant moose, and finally, finally save the world. After about ten hours of g...

Dragon Quest V Part 5 - Prince Albert's Piercing Gaze from 2019-01-07T09:23:28

After Papa became a stationary stone you get to meet your somewhat growed up kids! And guess what? The boy is a legendary hero! SHOCK! Now all that's left to do is find out more information abou...

Dragon Quest V Part 4 - Morning Wellness from 2018-12-31T03:32:50

We finally found the warrior of legend, the Great One: Wayne Gretzy! Also: More Hard R Square Roots as Horny Grandma returns, God bribes, Nera's terrible self-esteem, married life with Debora, t...

Dragon Quest V Part 3 - Aggressive-Aggressive Wedding Proposals from 2018-12-24T10:23:51

Gonna get, gonna get, gonna get married on this extra special episode of Square Roots! Who will marry the good, sweet, hometown crush? Who will be with the ingenue book smart rich girl? And who ...

Dragon Quest V Part 2 - Fat Clowns With Jump Ropes from 2018-12-17T05:42:39

Dragon Quest suggests how to solve a problem like Maria: with whips, definitive Indiana Jones ranking, the Nuns of the Above, breaking bad habits, hot pixel cleavage, debating Dragon Quest music...

Dragon Quest V Part 1 - The Soft and Creamy Home of the Faeries from 2018-12-10T04:55:57

Guest host Stan from They See Me Rollin' joins us as we tackle our first quest of dragons, a dragon quest if you will. This supersized chunker is stuffed with Russian counts, lots of puns, Sanch...

Rogue Galaxy Part 8 - #1. What #2. Is #3. Happening Here from 2018-12-03T04:47:07

Finally everything is resolved: the true role of Rosencaster, Henry and Robert's integral role in the Rogue Galaxy finalé, Gale's messianic return, Chie & Miyoko's pivotal rescue of the crew, M1...

Rogue Galaxy Part 7 - Soy Boy Dolphin Boy from 2018-11-26T04:10:50

Oh wow. This show goes off the rails from the start when Vanessa decides to let us in on some Folger's Coffee brother and sister love, and then just veers off into strange places. Topics include...

Rogue Galaxy Part 6 - The Butlerian Jihad Pity Laugh from 2018-11-19T03:50:23

This game is one dramatic revelation after another as we approach the final few chapters of Rogue Galaxy. In this episode: Johnny finally says "Saiyan" correctly, TOM PETTY CHOCOLATE BAR, Vaness...

Rogue Galaxy Part 5 - Sword Daddy from 2018-11-12T09:00:28

Are you ready for a really, really long dungeon? And then ready to do it again? Because that's just one chunker of this chunker. Three keys, four dungeons, and all the unearned pathos. Also: vam...

Rogue Galaxy Part 4 - Meanwhile... BOY CHAT from 2018-11-05T05:04:12

Let's take a break to talk to a child who is dressed like the Jack from a deck of cards! No need to save your game! Let's watch this five minute scene where they talk about nothing. Also this we...

Instant Classic - Until Dawn from 2018-10-31T23:36:43

It's that spoopy time of year so we decided to release our monthly Patreon Instant Classic episode to all our listeners. Because we love you. 

Join Vanessa, John, and JIM (that's right, h...

Rogue Galaxy Part 3 - Jupis Tooki McGanel from 2018-10-29T03:50:34

Holy crow. This game takes a turn for the... weird. But at the same time, the dungeons become even more repetitive. Talking points include: Gundam's maps, everyone's favorite idol Mio, Robert an...

Rogue Galaxy Part 2 - Upsetting Revelations About Jecht With An Eyepatch from 2018-10-22T03:52:38

Ooooooooof. We take a deep dive into the cultural melange that is the peoples of Jurukai in Level 5's Rogue Galaxy! There's some unsettling character design, two of the bustiest characters we've...

Rogue Galaxy Part 1 - A Real Chaz from 2018-10-16T02:23:59

It's a short chunker as we start Level 5's cult classic RPG Rogue Galaxy! There's mistaken identity, Scottish Volus, a man named Raul, skull camels, Cobra Commander cats, Chaz 2: The Chazening, ...

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Part 5 - That's So... Ruma? from 2018-10-08T11:28:23

We've been to Paradise, but have we been to me? Yes. Of course we have. We dive into Martin's gaping portal and head off for the penultimate great battle: a very quick sword fight against Mankar...

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Part 4 - Felix's Purrfect Plans from 2018-10-01T09:38:54

Someone on the podcast has a weakness for Rob (and his sister Tilda)'s gruesome cinematic output, and it's not who you might think! We start off the podcast with some sad news, and then some mix...

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Part 3 - Tootiest Sexiest! from 2018-09-24T09:14:03

Okay, right off the bat - we're all kind of d*ck crazy in this episode because the news has been nothing but wieners. On this episode we deep dive into side quests and get some fancy armour that...

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Part 2 - Potter Babies! from 2018-09-17T07:49:19

You'll have so many questions about Jim's terrible meme, but hopefully this episode will try to answer it. As we play through Bethesda's smash hit open world RPG, each host tries their best to b...

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Part 1 - TV's Gandalf from 2018-09-10T06:42:58

Dust off that cloth map, it's time to head to Cyrodil! That's right, we're off to explore the verdant pastures and thrilling forests of Bethesda's Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion! Topics covered this...

Final Fantasy VI Part 8 - A Little Night Hooters from 2018-09-03T07:42

It's all Sondheim all the Sond-time on this episode of Square Roots! We learn about Sondheim's famous love of breasts, his pioneering of reverse-alley staging (and the sex position), and his imp...

Final Fantasy VI Part 7 - Sympathetic Catfishing from 2018-08-27T07:06:32

We collect all the missing party members! Good news! No one died! Unless you left Shadow out to die, you monster. Wait, he left his friend to do so maybe you're the real monster if you save him?...

Final Fantasy VI Part 6 - Sabin All My Love For You from 2018-08-20T04:40:55

We're all flipping water bottles, dabbing, and diving out of moving cars in this exciting, hip, current episode of Square Roots. Is John compensating because he's now 39? Is Matthew known for be...

Final Fantasy VI Part 5 - Simply Quite Precrocious from 2018-08-15T07:21:56

Lulu! Rubber shirts! Esper Rumspringa! John questions Vanessa's age! The earth gets mad! Final Fantasy VI presents what seems like an early endgame as Kefka wreaks havoc on the planet, and then ...

Sierra Roots! from 2018-08-13T07:03:34

MATTHEW'S LAPTOP EXPLODED. So our regularly scheduled episode won't be up for a couple of days. So in the mean time, here is the first episode of Sierra Roots.

We discuss the best a...

Final Fantasy VI Part 4 - Canadian Jolly Ranchers from 2018-08-06T07:48:32

Intense drama! Banana suits! Minecart escapes! How babies are made! Talkabos! Sealed doors! Sexy Grandma returns! All this and more in a slightly rambling, somewhat tangent filled fun fest!

Final Fantasy VI Part 3 - WAAARGH WAAAARGH WAAAARGH WAAAARGH from 2018-07-30T08:07:47

It's hot takes aplenty as we hit the most fondly remembered chunker of Final Fantasy VI: THE OPERA SCENE. Who loves it? Who finds the synthesized warbling kind of crappy? You'll never guess! Als...

Final Fantasy VI Part 2 - Meet Humpty, Also Dumpty from 2018-07-23T09:00:53

We're hot and distracted in this episode, so bear with us. You may want to, you know, skip ahead to the Quest Mog. We're just saying. It's tangent town, population: this podcast! This week we di...

Final Fantasy VI Part 1 - Translation By 90s Leonardo DiCaprio from 2018-07-16T08:01:42

There's a lot of talk about child stars in this episode of Square Roots, which is suprising given that we're talking about THE NUMBER ONE GREATEST RPG EVER, Final Fantasy VI. So is it really the...

Fable Part 6 - Deep Lisa Turtle Lore Dive from 2018-07-09T06:41:45

Did Fable harness the power of the Xbox and our hearts? Or was it a fetid balverine of disappointment? We give our final review of Fable as we finish the game and delve into the extra Lost Chapt...

Fable Part 5 - You Kracken, Me Up! from 2018-07-02T10:28:08

Since Jim has given up on his Fable quest, he's resorted to coming up with the worst Dad Jokes to help us through rescuing The Scarlet Robe, infiltrating a prison, stopping a kidnapping, looting...

Fable Part 4 - The Sock Method from 2018-06-25T07:32:39

We're still giving inappropriate books to schoolchildren in Fable, but that's not the least of our adventures. There's scorpion slaying! Murdertimes! John striking out bad! Trying out fun names ...

Fable Part 3 - Rear Eye for the Right Guy from 2018-06-18T09:43:43

HELLO PATRIOTS. GET YOUR BACKSTAGE PASSES READY, IF YOU'RE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS. WE'VE TAKEN THIS PODCAST IN A LUCRATIVE NEW DIRECTION. Did we say lucrative? We mean patriotic. And not les...

Fable Part 2 - Spotify: The Monster of Blades from 2018-06-11T08:49:18

Now we find out just what happens when you fall in love with Matthew and then he asks you to follow him somewhere. The answer? You get sacrificed at the Temple of Scorn, and then can't skip more...

Fable Part 1 - With The Power Of The Xbox from 2018-06-04T08:01:24

It's FABLE TIME. Harnessing the power of the Xbox, will you be able to grow a tree? Play as a lady? Create procedural rivalries? Make an AI friend named Milo? Teach virtual pets morality? NO. Of...

Grandia Part 10 - Disney Dog Logic from 2018-05-28T07:00:19

Holy crap. Gaia is now some kind of giant bug and we have to crawl inside. From the bottom up. Yeah. It's kinda gross. We criticize the parenting of Feena and Justin's children, Jim is convinced...

Grandia Part 9 - Mullen It Over from 2018-05-21T06:59:30

Grandia is almost over, and it may be breaking the Square Roots crew to their very cores. Except for Jim. Jim for some reason is finishing this game in record time. This week on Square Roots: Va...

Grandia Part 8 - Deus Ex Manta Ray from 2018-05-14T02:17:25

Square Roots really, officially has a Patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

NEXT GAME ANNOUNCED!

This l'...

Grandia Part 7 - The Worst Name For Dog People Imaginable from 2018-05-07T04:37:54

Square Roots really, officially has a Patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Let's not forget that Grandi...

Grandia Part 6 - I'm Gonna Rub Your Face Off from 2018-04-30T04:37:57

Square Roots really, officially has a Patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

We meet Rapp, and his parents who were both turned to stone and rubbed to death. He has one o...

Grandia Part 5 - Everyone Is Trying to Traumatize Vanessa from 2018-04-23T05:25:46

Square Roots really, officially has a Patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

We push forward with even more Grandia, finishing Disc One. But that means it's a jam packed ...

Grandia Part 4 - Talk Sue-p from 2018-04-16T07:26:13

Square Roots really, officially has a Patreon now: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Sue falls to what appears to be her death, is nearly eaten, Justin gets vanquished by a way, ...

Grandia Part 3 - APRIL FOOLS from 2018-04-09T09:31:24

Hey! We've got a Patreon now! Our full announcement will be in the next episode, but check it out: https://www.patreon.com/squarerootspodcast

Okay. Things get a little off the rails this ...

Grandia Part 2 - Cleveland Steaming from 2018-04-02T08:58:45

Are you ready for Justin to not shut up about being an adventurer? That's right, we've got more Grandia! We board the Steamer off to New Parm and then get in all sorts of wedding-and-ghost-relat...

Grandia Part 1 - Puff-Puff Eat the Dead from 2018-03-26T08:08:29

We start Grandia! And it's pretty awesome! That doesn't mean we don't have questions and conundrums about Game Arts's classic PSOne JRPG. These children are in constant danger as we decry Justin...

Phantasy Star IV Part 5 - DTF: Down To Find Important Artifacts from 2018-03-19T06:40:21

Phantasy Star IV - Part 5

Hail to the Chief! We finish Phantasy Star IV! And meet Seth, the sexiest PC ever to grace a JRPG party. We plot our ways to escape Planet ...

Phantasy Star IV Part 4 - Robots? In MY Garuberk? from 2018-03-12T03:20:52

Phantasy Star IV - Part 4

NEXT GAME ANNOUNCED! We're not saying John slept through the recording of this episode, but he may have slept through the recording of this...

Phantasy Star IV Part 3 - A Reverse Childbirth Kind of Scenario from 2018-03-05T05:20:35

Phantasy Star IV - Part 3

Matthew connects to USB via a tin can and Jim is still mysteriously unavailable! But that won't stop us here at Square Roots. We discover V...

Phantasy Star IV Part 2 - A Sandworm Bris from 2018-02-26T08:57:48

Phantasy Star IV - Part 2

Sega's manga-inspired sci-fi epic takes a few, uh, predictable twists and turns as we explore a downed Phantasy Star III colony ship, explo...

Phantasy Star IV Part 1 - No Jokes About Birth Valley from 2018-02-19T08:49:46

Phantasy Star IV - Part 1

We begin the epic space journey with Alys and Chaz in the town of learning, but something doesn't seem right. Why is the headmaster so evas...

Square Roots Versus Commander Shepherd: The Song from 2018-02-17T10:06:43

Julian Titus from Nerds Without Pants joins Jim and John as they decide if the Miracle of Sound Commander Shepherd song deserves a Renegade or Paragon interrupt! This episode contains...

Mass Effect Part 6 - Dr. Ian Masseffect from 2018-02-12T09:31:18

Mass Effect - Part 6 

Stay tuned through the end of the podcast for incredible dramatic readings of Matt’s notes! We finish off BioWare’s first venture into their ep...

Mass Effect Part 5 - Promethean Toilet Culture from 2018-02-05T08:01:53

Mass Effect 1 - Part 5

Next game is announced!

WARNING: JOHN MAKES THE VERY WORST JOKE EVER IN THIS EPISODE. Okay, now that we’re past that, Shephe...

Mass Effect Part 4 - Howl's Moving Castle Doctrine from 2018-01-29T05:17:04

Mass Effect - Part 4

On this dangerously exciting episode of Square Roots and Mass Effect: We talk about the pros and cons of prefabricated space housing and office ...

Mass Effect Part 3 - Space Rumspringa from 2018-01-22T03:36:49

Mass Effect - Part 3

Things go from aggressive fungi to getting real cool as we descend on the Galt's Gulch that is the corpoplanet Noveria. Matthew delights in Matr...

Mass Effect Part 2 - Geth Who's Coming to Dinner from 2018-01-15T05:02:28

Mass Effect - Part 2

We finally blast off the Citadel and get to explore the Milky Way with our favorite crew of misfits, rebels and space racists. On this episode: ...

Mass Effect Part 1 -This Is My Favorite Cuckshed on the Citadel from 2018-01-08T04:33:23

Mass Effect 1 - Part One

Forgive sick Johnny’s heavy breathing this ep, his nose was heckka plugged.

It's Janu-Warey! Poor, poor hick Jenkins. BimJ...

Square Roots Versus Radical Dreamers from 2018-01-01T07:29:31

Nadia Oxford from USGamer and Axe of the Blood God joins us to dissect the strange relationships between this visual novel / text adventure and Chrono Trigger, as well as its role as a map for C...

The Bard's Tale (2004) Part 4 - The Christmas Cinematic Universe from 2017-12-25T17:00

The Bard's Tale 2004 - Part Four

Things draw to a close and we try to end on a positive note on what we liked about this strange game. We track through the three endings, discuss the stat...

The Bard's Tale (2004) Part 3 - I'm Hal Sparks! from 2017-12-18T06:49:34

The Bard's Tale 2004 - Part Three

Hi! I'm Hal Sparks. Do you remember the 2000s? What a wild and crazy, yet somehow more innocent age. Snooki? Tatu? Eminem hair? We dive into a time of Ur...

The Bard's Tale (2004) Part 2 - Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Gesa* (*But Were Afraid To Ask) from 2017-12-11T08:32:58

The Bard's Tale 2004 - Part Two

The tables are turned as Jim, John and Vanessa lighten up a little on The Bard's Tale while Matthew goes ballistic. John finds solace in an undead horse, V...

The Bard's Tale (2004) Part 1 - Jerkin It from 2017-12-04T10:25:51

The Bard's Tale - Part 1

Yes, that's not a typo. We're covering the, uh, classic? RPG The Bard's Tale, and by that we mean the 2004 release that first came out on PS2 and Xbox. You might ...

Parasite Eve Part 3 - Jim's Third Birthday from 2017-11-27T09:12:03

Parasite Eve Part 3

Planes explode! Boats sink! Daniels catch on fire! Parasite Eve's Disc 3 Crazy continues as we wrap up the bonkers story line with an insane finale. Really. Babies are...

Parasite Eve Part 2 - Li'l Baby Fresh Eyes from 2017-11-20T08:55:06

Parasite Eve Part 2

We're back and still crushing more mitochondria! It's a dog-shooting, sperm finding episode of Square Roots as we get over halfway through Square's bizarre survival ho...

November Mailtacular! from 2017-11-17T09:59:44

We've got a buildup of groovy letters from our awesome listeners! And heck, we've also got a bunch of questions from our Facebook group!

So today we're gonna answer:

Is Final...

Parasite Eve Part 1 - Accidental Clown Robbery from 2017-11-13T10:43:27

Parasite Eve - Part 1

Parasite Eve: survival horror JRPG? Or is it a visual novel? This is the first of many, many questions we have during the first chunk of this bizarre game. Others in...

Chrono Trigger Part 5 - Mama Don't Take My Chrono Clone Away from 2017-11-06T10:09:35

Chrono Trigger - Part 5

Finally! Vanessa has [REDACTED] the [REDACTED]! CONGRATULATIONS! 

But! Also! We finish Chrono Trigger and pretty much all get the same ending, e...

Chrono Trigger Part 4 - Terrifying Boss Dong from 2017-10-30T08:12:40

Chrono Trigger Part 4

Chuck Charles hosts the premiere show for dating fictional video game characters - Create-A-Combo! Who will our contestant Vanessa choose? Her ...

Waxworks - Halloween Spooktacular ft. Mikel Reparaz from 2017-10-27T09:26:59

Hello, fellow lovers of the macabre and / or mouse-based action combat! Are you ready to be spooked? Are you in the mood for hyper-gory VGA-era RPG adventure games? ARE YOU? You better be, becau...

Chrono Trigger Part 3 - Chocolate! Chocolate! Chocolate! ACK! from 2017-10-23T07:14:37

Chrono Trigger Part 3

We're into the thick of things with Chrono Trigger as we hit everyone's favorite part of the game: Magus's Castle! Yep, that's right! Flea! Sla...

Chrono Trigger Part 2 - Funky Temperate Medina from 2017-10-16T07:45:45

Chrono Trigger Part 2

After a very, very long Blade Runner talk and Jim gets the future year wrong, we settle in for our usual expert panel on all your burning Chron...

Chrono Trigger Part 1 - Party Like It's 999 from 2017-10-09T09:18:46

Chrono Trigger Part 1

We start our new time-hopping adventure in a talk that gets very, very mired in discussing what would and wouldn't be ethical to do with your i...

Final Fantasy XII Part 9 - Muscle Toddler Trudeau from 2017-10-02T04:15:59

Final Fantasy XII Part 9

Vanessa and Matthew don't like the idea of playing Darkseed 2 and Beyond the Beyond at the same time and take steps to change history as we ...

Final Fantasy XII Part 8 - We All Float Down Here from 2017-09-25T04:32:15

Final Fantasy XII Part 8

The next game is announced! And it's real bad. But maybe Matthew and Vanessa can have a chance to put right what once went wrong. We go deep...

Final Fantasy XII Part 7 - Fancy Auron Versus Beardy Pinkshorts from 2017-09-18T04:29:31

Final Fantasy XII Part 7

We dabble in converting the podcast to pure ASMR after Matthew was swept away in a hurricane. Questions asked in this episode: Is Daddy Cid ...

Final Fantasy XII Part 6 - Loafin' Around from 2017-09-11T04:05:34

Final Fantasy XII Part 6

Stay tuned past the credits for a very, very special bonus Level Up!

Today on Square Roots: we learn all about the origins of meatloaf, Al-Cid's assi...

Final Fantasy XII Part 5 - You're Tearing Me Apart, Larsa from 2017-09-04T09:34:52

Final Fantasy XII Part 5

Who would kill Judge Judy? We have the answer, and it's not who you think on this political intrigue packed episode of Square Roots: Topics included fo...

Final Fantasy XII Part 4 - A Cacophony of Boy Detectives from 2017-08-28T08:09:05

Final Fantasy XII Part 4

So much political dramatics. Will Vayne kill Larsa? Will Larsa kill Vayne? Who are all these Senators? Do these judges want to kill Vayne or Larsa? Wha...

Final Fantasy XII Part 3 - A Nightmare on Sandsea from 2017-08-21T08:59:54

Final Fantasy XII Part 3

We descend into the spooky depths of the Tomb of Raithwall to help prove that Ashe is really a princess in this sand-filled, Star Warsy episode of Square Roots. S...

Final Fantasy XII Part 2 - Secrets to Successful Rubix's Cube Smuggling from 2017-08-14T03:51:23

Final Fantasy XII - Part 2

Have you seen Judge Reinhold? He was last seen in the company of a mysterious woman with hair described as "Lord Vayne-like". If not: take a listen as we push t...

Final Fantasy XII Part 1 - Surely This Is The Protagonist Now from 2017-08-07T07:55:55

Final Fantasy XII - Part 1

The gang gets exposition overload as Final Fantasy XII opens the firehouse of names and places of importance in the world of Ivalice. But that's not all! Jim go...

Persona 3 Part 10 - The Power of Friendship Vs. Cthulu from 2017-07-31T05:23:01

Persona 3 - Part 10

Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed.

Finally, we end the scourge of Nyx, the Death God and finish Persona 3! Topics covered...

Persona 3 Part 9 - Matthew's Metaphysical Corner from 2017-07-24T05:42:24

Persona 3 - Part 8

THE NEXT GAME IS ANNOUNCED! YOU WON'T BELIEVE ONDORE'S THIGHS!

Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed.

What is the meani...

Persona 3 Part 8 - He's a Real Naruto from 2017-07-17T03:10:24

Persona 3 - Part 8

Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed.

Things don't go super well for the Persona gang, but Jim, John, Matthew and Va...

Persona 3 Part 7 - The Gang Gets Crucified from 2017-07-10T15:05:54

Persona 3 - Part 7

Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed.

12:00am

11/04/09

On a Wednesday...

Square Roots: The Gang Gets Cru...

Persona 3 Part 6 - Talkin' 'Bout Caulkin from 2017-07-03T07:21:57

Persona 3 - Part 6

Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed.

So many important questions today as we press through September. Was Liam Neeson in Sur...

Persona 3 Part 5 - Tickling Her Fancy™ from 2017-06-26T06:15:03

Persona 3 - Part 5

Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed.

What happened to Cerberus? Did the Ninja Turtles take the red pill? Why does John prono...

Persona 3 Part 4 - Basically a Ghostbusters / Walter Peck Scenario from 2017-06-19T10:51:56

Persona 3 - Part 4

Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed.

Yukari finally confronts Mitsuru on her drama and the Countess throws wine in Theresa's...

Persona 3 Part 3 - Not For Teacher from 2017-06-12T09:22:26

Persona 3 - Part 3

Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed.

We discover what happens when Matthew is missing from an episode: we get super, super c...

Persona 3 Part 2 - The Jim-Nasium from 2017-06-05T05:19:35

Persona 3 - Part 2

Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed.

We storm the school in this week's Square Roots! An epic, spooky ghost-story filled Ful...

Persona 3 Part 1 - Shin Megaman Tengen from 2017-05-29T10:43:32

Persona 3 - Part 1

Please be aware due to the nature of the game suicide is discussed.

ALRIGHT! Finally, we move on to a real meaty, grindy, turn-basedey game! And we LOVE it...

Kingdom Hearts Part 7 - Come, Guardian! from 2017-05-22T10:22:06

Kingdom Hearts - Part 7

We push to the finish of Kingdom Hearts in record time, reflecting on the journey as we destroy the... six?... forms of Ansem. Other topics enjoyed today: Race Jen...

Kingdom Hearts Part 6 - Beauty and Adam Carolla ft. Thirsty Grandma from 2017-05-15T03:22:03

Kingdom Hearts - Part 6

NEXT GAME ANNOUNCEMENT! Matthew has audio problems throughout this episode and kind of disappears for a bit. Highlights of this episode include: it ain't no Hollow...

Kingdom Hearts Part 5 - Thicc With Two C's from 2017-05-08T06:29:16

Kingdom Hearts - Part 5

Check out our new, limited time only store:

http://coachsassistant.gtmsportswear.com/squareroots

Vanessa, Matthew, Jim and John tackle two more world...

Kingdom Hearts Part 4 - Down Where It's Wetter from 2017-05-01T05:59:09

Kingdom Hearts - Part 4

Check out our new, limited time only store:

http://coachsassistant.gtmsportswear.com/squareroots

What is vore? John explains. This is relevant: today...

Kingdom Hearts Part 3 - The Blue Genie’s Kisses Might Be Softer from 2017-04-24T06:14:45

Kingdom Hearts - Part 3

Check out our new, limited time only store:

http://coachsassistant.gtmsportswear.com/squareroots

Do you know where yo...

Kingdom Hearts Part 2 - Cloud Strife: Cat Fan? from 2017-04-17T05:30:38

Kingdom Hearts - Part 2

Check out our new, limited time only store:

http://coachsassistant.gtmsportswear.com/squareroots

We begin with Vanessa's Corrections Corner as she re...

Kingdom Hearts Part 1 - But Does That Mean I Have To Meet Your Father? from 2017-04-10T05:52:56

Kingdom Hearts - Part 1

Check out our new, limited time only store:

http://coachsassistant.gtmsportswear.com/squareroots

It's a relatively smut-free episode as we take a raf...

Super Mario RPG Part 4 - Six Doors of Disappointment from 2017-04-03T06:00

Super Mario RPG Part 4! 

Check out our new, limited time only store:

http://coachsassistant.gtmsportswear.com/squareroots

We start off with 65 Rules For Dating My Gay Friend...

The #Trypod Sampler! from 2017-03-31T17:20:39

Hi Sqooters! John here! With only hours to spare I'm here to post the #Trypod special. Here's a chance for you to share the Comrade Radio podcasts with non-podcast listening buddies, and a chanc...

Super Mario RPG Part 3 - How Bean Was My Valley? from 2017-03-27T05:47:50

Super Mario RPG Part 3! 

In this erotically charged episode the podcast screeches to a halt as Matthew insists that Jonathan Jones is not a shark, but that doesn't stop us from further ru...

Super Mario RPG Part 2 - The Frightening Lineage Of Morton Koopa Jr. from 2017-03-20T09:02:19

We explore several theories on the lineage of the Koopa Kids and Bowser Jr. as well as try to gain some insight into the true relationship between Mario, Princess "Peach" Toadstool, and Bowser h...

Super Mario RPG Part 1 - Belome! from 2017-03-13T06:27:58

Hey! Just a heads up, this is a SUPER NSFW EPISODE. Much more so than usual. So make sure your children are tucked into bed before diving into this week's particularly risqué po...

The KOTOR Mailbag Episode! from 2017-03-11T23:29:47

Stay tuned after the credits for what will hopefully be the first and last episode of HAMILTALK! John and Vanessa are joined by Stan from They See Me Rollin' as they divulge Star Wars origin sto...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic Part 9 - That's So Revan! from 2017-03-06T08:00

NEXT GAME ANNOUNCEMENT! We wrap up Knights of the Old Republic by storming through the mystery planet of the Rakatans, botch the Light Side quest (yeah, those villages aren't being unified), die...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic Part 8 - Sith Valley High from 2017-02-27T10:00

We're closing in on the end of Knights of the Old Republic in this episode as we head to the Sith Academy on Korriban. Is it a Saved By The Sith situation? A Sith Valley High scenario? This is a...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic Part 7 - Dollar Store Darth Vader from 2017-02-20T08:30

Things get started with a bang as we attempt to interview poor, gullable Gluupor for an unpaid internship. We explore the railroading that gets us captured, none of us are particularly bothered ...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic Part 6 - The Ballad of Gluupor from 2017-02-13T08:04:18

Gluupor probably not fit to stand trial. Gluupor not even totally sure how Gluupor got to Manaan. Gluupor not an expert at interrogation. Gluupor also not super into logarithmic pairs. Other thi...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic Part 5 - The Kashyyk Redemption from 2017-02-06T10:00

Do you like the sound of Wookies? You better, because on Kashyyk it's all Wookies all the time. Jim spent his time on the forest planet being kind of terrible at being terrible, while Vanessa wa...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic Part 4 - Meatbags! from 2017-01-30T06:00

It's all hands on deck for the invasion of Tattooine! Matthew takes offense at spurious uses of the term "dragon"! Sand jokes are made! Homicidal robots are found! We kill dozens of sand people!...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic Part 3 - I Guess We Found Nemo from 2017-01-23T09:16:22

Matthew finds his KOTOR groove as Jim and he pit the Space Montagues against the Space Capulets in this star crossed episode of Knights of the Old Republic. Also: mouths are smashed; Shantae can...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic Part 2 - Smokin' Laser Holes from 2017-01-16T08:39:53

Vanessa goes turret crazy this week as Jim tackles his problems sticking to the Dark Side, John is relentlessly teased for his terrible headphones, and we play through another big ol' chunkerino...

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic Part 1 - A Beginner's Guide To Turning A Wookie Evil from 2017-01-09T10:59:50

OH MAN! A new game! A new year! And it's Star Wars! We start off with a quick review of Rogue One in which Matthew tries to fight everyone, then Matthew comes out as a Young Galaxy-er, and rejec...

Final Fantasy X Interview Spectacular! from 2017-01-03T06:11:33

New friends of the podcast just happened to drop by and talk with us about the finer points of Final Fantasy X! We've got the translator Nick Des Barres, Nerds Without Pants's Julian Titus, and ...

A Square Roots Christmas Miracle from 2016-12-25T06:50:12

It's a Square Roots Christmas as Matthew decides that we're not doing the whole RPG thing any more and says bah, humbug! You'll never guess what happens next. Okay. You'll probably guess. But th...

Final Fantasy X Part 11 - The Ghost Hugs That Make Matthew Cry from 2016-12-19T09:23:13

Mike "Mark" McDonald and Randy Newman join the gang as we plow through the end of Final Fantasy X! This week: Yojimbo redeems himself in the eyes of Matthew, Squaresoft decides to cram in one la...

Square Roots Versus Final Fantasy X Fashion from 2016-12-16T22:47:33

And now for something completely different! With special guest Chelsea from Twincast Cosplay we take a long, long look at the fashion do's and don'ts of some of the biggest stars Spira has to of...

Final Fantasy X Part 10 - The Bullshit Minigame... Episode! from 2016-12-12T10:00:16

Before we finish the game next episode we take an hour to dive into all the sidequests and minigames that Final Fantasy X has to offer! Matthew rejects Yojimbo’s lack of rabbitness, everyone’s f...

Final Fantasy X Part 9 - The Psychosexual Adventures of Jecht, Auron and Braska from 2016-12-05T10:23:28

Things get much, much darker as there is much child murder in this episode and possibly in this chunk of Final Fantasy X. The chambers of the Fayth get real bad this episode, but the bosses get ...

Final Fantasy X Part 8 - Kitty-Kat Genocide #YOLO from 2016-11-28T09:48:01

After kicking little Timmy out of the studio and sending George Lucas out for coffees we sing the theme to the Vanessa Girl anime and get started trekking through Mount Gagazet. On this week’s S...

Square Roots Versus Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV from 2016-11-25T09:58:14

This time on a very special episode of Square Roots we combine with Owen Choules from Classic Schmassic, Voltron-style, to form a super cool robot called Classic Roots! Its mission: to look at t...

Final Fantasy X Part 7 - A Weekend At Bernie’s Kind Of Situation from 2016-11-21T11:16:52

After John calls off Matthew’s Phone Minute, we dive into a weird deathtrap dungeon where there’s an exit and they let you keep your weapons. This week: a super cool summon versus summon battle;...

Final Fantasy X Part 6 - Boob Pterodactyls Give The Best Hugs from 2016-11-14T09:18:14

Audio problem is fixed!

CHILLS from Wakka's glares! THRILLS as we encounter or possibly summon a Ghost Wendigo! MARVEL as Tidus kind of ignores Dona! This week on Square Roots we go from ...

Final Fantasy X Part 5 - Kitty Cat Men On Snowmobiles from 2016-11-07T09:00

It’s all cats all the time this week on Square Roots as George Lucas gets kicked out of the studio, we make fun of Doctor Who sets, three out of four hosts cry at...

Final Fantasy X Part 4 - Shoopuffs Good, Moonflow Jokes Bad from 2016-10-31T12:18:39

Shoopuffs: just another disappointing brontosaurus? We make fun of Jurassic Park, Matthew, makes the worst joke ever about the Moonflow, O’aka’s poor clothing cho...

Square Roots Vs. Sweet Home October BOOOnus Episode from 2016-10-28T13:07:15

It's an all new Square Roots Vs. episode! This time we're joined by Matt Chandronait of the Rebel FM podcast! Get ready for a spoooooooky halloween special as we cover Sweet Home, a NES era JRPG...

Final Fantasy X Part 3 - Djose and the Pussycats ft. The Trial of the Century (Is Sin a Whale?) from 2016-10-24T08:00

Legal sparks fly as Jim presides over the case of all cases: is Sin a whale? With Matthew on the con corner and Vanessa defending her thesis all rules are out the...

Final Fantasy X Part 2 - Remember the Tidus from 2016-10-17T13:00

So. Much. World. Building. From a minigame involving blowing away insults from your father so you can learn a special trick to our first full game of Blitzball it...

Final Fantasy X Part 1 - My Old Man Went Out For Sea Cigarettes And Never Came Back from 2016-10-10T11:25:50

Our first Final Fantasy X episode! Matthew, John, Jim and professional whaler Vanessa dive into the crystal clear waters of Spira. We start with memories of our f...

Secret of Mana Part 11 - So That's Where Snow Comes From, Featuring Nadia Oxford from 2016-10-03T11:59:57

Nadia Oxford of Tiny Girl Tiny Games, USGamer and Axe of the Blood God joins us as we explore the finale of Secret of Mana! Jim and Matthew have a beach episode, ...

Falltember Mailbag Explosion! from 2016-09-30T18:47:03

What really is the Secret of Mana? Is Vanessa going to be a regular cohost? What’s the deal with airline food? Do you want to play Vanessa’s new game, Undiscovere...

Secret of Mana Part 10 - You'll Never Explode, Tree Mom! from 2016-09-25T13:42:01

As we venture towards the end of the game and play through the Grand Palace and the Pure Lands Square Roots may be experiencing a form of Mana fatigue. A terrifyi...

Secret of Mana Part 9 - Jema's Gettin' Blasted! from 2016-09-18T13:18:44

Ho. Lee. Crap. People. It's excitement, adventure, and Matthew almost rage quitting, all on this all-new part 9 of our playthrough of Secret of Mana! 

This...

Secret of Mana Part 8 - What Does Luna Look Like To You? from 2016-09-11T09:23:40

There's some vampire talk, Jim says lots of H names, Vanessa sings an amazing Quest Log song, and we finally have the gift of Flammie Flight! We head out to Turtle Island, then hit up the Lofty ...

Secret of Mana Part 7 - Spoiler Alert: Dyluck Straight Up Kills Girl from 2016-09-04T11:52:56

We get shot out of a cannon into the heart of the Empire, where we get our sneaky spying on, go through an absurdly spacious sewer, get totally Lando'd, and get our revenge of the Mech Rider! Ot...

Secret of Mana Part 6 - Further Ruminations on the Erotic Lives of the Elderly from 2016-08-28T09:36:40

We head out to the land of jerk wolves and cute Walrus people, teenage John groans at meeting Rudolph the Red Nosed Raendeer, crash a real-estate resort scheme, that one episode where GI Joe was...

Square Roots Versus Super Hydlide from 2016-08-26T18:27:08

This week we tackle a much-maligned JRPG from 1990: Super Hydlide. Is it as terrible as its reputation suggests? Johnny and Jim are joined by Caleb to see just how many times villagers can force...

Cutting Room Floor Bonus Ep from 2016-08-23T11:00

Hello again! This is a fun little one off bloopers/cutting room floor episode of material i cut out of episode 21. It's mostly suicide squad talk and gross jokes. Suicide Squad spoilers abound!!...

Secret of Mana Part 5 - The Invisible Paw of Catipalism from 2016-08-21T10:55:51

This week on Square Roots we can't agree on Shovel Knight, Suicide Squad, Hamilton, or pretty much anything. We discuss getting seeded, grinding Secret of Mana the iOS / SNES Gontma translation ...

August Mailbag w/ Julian Titus from 2016-08-19T11:00

It's that time again (for the first time)! Our August mailbag episode is here with special guest Julian Titus of the Nerds Without Pants podcast! 

Listen to Matt, Jim, Vanessa and Julian ...

Secret of Mana Part 4 - Secret of Manaboys from 2016-08-14T15:03:45

We learn the true secret of the manaboys in today's all new episode of Square Roots! We cannon travel to the northern lands where the seasons constantly change and fight all manner of critters. ...

Final Fantasy FATE - Part 2 from 2016-08-12T10:00

Stan from the They See Me Rolling returns to guide Matthew, Jim, and Vanessa through the exciting conclusion of the two-part Final Fantasy themed Fate game!  Guided by Celes, the mash-em-up team...

Secret of Mana Part 3 - Denver The Sex Vore Dinosaur from 2016-08-07T21:34:40

We put Horny Grandma and Macho Man Jimmy Savage to bed, possibly together and then push on through Luka's special cave surprise! We get totally destroyed by Denver the Last Dinosaur, who isn't y...

Final Fantasy Fates - Part 1 from 2016-08-04T20:11:17

Stan from They See Me Rolling joins Matthew, Jim and Vanessa in this special two-part role playing spectacular! In this roleplaying mash-em-up they play the pen and paper RPG Fate as their favor...

Secret of Mana Part 2 - The Cruel Disappointment of Rabite Man from 2016-07-31T18:04:57

We start off with far too much Sexy Grandma, the Boy gets some optional aid to get out of some.... hot water! Huh? Yeah. Girl gets her rescue on, the notorious price gouger Neko, some classic Fi...

Square Roots Versus Super Ninja Boy from 2016-07-28T18:32:06

We attempt our first in a... well, possible series of looking at terrible RPGs with the baffling, barely translated, Super Ninja Boy. This early SNES JRPG takes some great ideas and com...

Secret of Mana Part 1 - The Secret of Grandma from 2016-07-24T06:54:25

Yay! It's finally time to uncover the Secret of Mana! Secrets we learn today: John's latent sexism, Vanessa's operating thetan levels, chubby haired kids, John accidentally creates a new sexy Gr...

Final Fantasy IX Finale - What The Heck Happened At The End Of FFIX? from 2016-07-17T21:09:58

Did Vivi die? Is Kuja also dead, or running a school for Effeminate Boys? Is Quina Shrek? What was the deal with the crystals that Kuja was stealing? What the heck happened with Necron? Do all k...

Final Fantasy IX Part 15 - I Hate You, Ghost Space Dad from 2016-07-10T08:24:06

Holy crap! Final Fantasy IX is over! It's so over! Was mixing the Zidanians and the Black Mages a bad idea or a terrible idea? Chekov's colored swimming pool; Garnet's real name; the right of a ...

Final Fantasy IX Part 14 - The Zidane Tail Fiasco from 2016-07-03T19:48:33

Jim, Matthew and John grumble about the character pairing at the shrines in Disc 4 and wonder why you can’t just play the actual battles. They also spend a weird amount of time discussing whethe...

Final Fantasy IX Part 13 - Meltigemini-Eew from 2016-06-26T20:08:20

We accidentally start as a Game of Thronescast before plunging deep into The Bishop of Counting, Esto Gaza's Secret Pokemon, Mole People, Zorn and Thorn's Cosmic Body Horror, Kuja's Facebook, Ci...

Final Fantasy IX Part 12 - Farewell, My Sweet, Lovable Hedgehog Pie from 2016-06-20T00:07:05

Jim, Matthew and John once again mangle pronunciation of Oeilvert as the party was split between two dungeons and Matthew chose his party so, so wrong. Other topi...

Final Fantasy IX Part 11 - Teen Fortress 2 from 2016-06-12T16:17:41

This week on Square Roots we get panicky in the deep end of Final Fantasy IX as Zidane recovers from his dramatic rescue of Garnet and ignoring Eiko; also: Matthew explains Teen Fortress 2; igno...

June Bonus Episode - Is Zell the Poochie of Final Fantasy? from 2016-06-09T16:19:31

We welcome our first guest, Vanessa, to our first mailbag episode! Covered in this episode: who is the best and worst Final Fantasy character; the best way to start an RPG; casting the Gilmore G...

Final Fantasy IX Part 10 - Things Get Disc 3 Real from 2016-06-05T14:00:01

On this exciting episode of Square Roots, we finally hit Disc 3 of Final Fantasy IX! Subjects explored include: Shakespearean farts, John can't remember Gilbert and Sullivan for about a whole mi...

Final Fantasy IX Part 9 - Hill, Get Guarded! from 2016-05-29T12:35:21

In this episode of Square Roots we finish Final Fantasy IX's Disc 2, explore possible explanations for the othering of dwarves, Dave the holy man, the terrible and disturbing marriage between Zi...

Final Fantasy IX Part 8 - French Children's Book Level Existential Sadness from 2016-05-22T07:45:03

In this week’s Square Roots, Matthew tries out a new robo-Matthew bit that becomes the show’s new gold standard and our characters make their way to the ruined Lindblum, where they encounter one...

Final Fantasy IX Part 7 - So Many Moral Event Horizons from 2016-05-15T23:49:39

We start with a brand new glamorous Newsies segment before diving into Out of this World / Another World cage swinging, and emerge deep in the bowels of Alexandria to save the Princess. Topics c...

Final Fantasy IX Part 6 - Bored of the Dance, When Trees Explode from 2016-05-08T20:06:39

It's a dance-filled dance dance-tacular this week as the dancing Burmecians and Cleyrans unite in an effort to fend off Alexandria. It fails. Zidane and Freya promise to protect the tree. They d...

Final Fantasy IX Part 5 - Mr. Ghost, Fantasy Mass Transit Systems, and Poor Life Decisions from 2016-05-01T07:27:37

“Anyone who likes pickles are nice people” opens the South Gate guard as we begin Disc 2. This time it’s all Steiner and Garnet, Zidane and his gang are all seque...

Final Fantasy IX Part 4 - Liz Hurley Hair, Metal Thongs, And The End of Disc 1 from 2016-04-24T19:12:38

Part 4 of our playthrough of Final Fantasy IX opens with some questions: What would a date with Zidane be like? We explore this nightmare possibility, We do some Frog Hunting and pick up the ter...

Final Fantasy IX Part 3 - The Village of Dali, The Hunt in Lindblum, and Zidane's Cherry Camaro from 2016-04-18T09:08:16

In this week's shocking episode reality is shattered as Jim confesses that he likes Steiner. Meanwhile, the group ventures to Dali where, as Jim puts it, "all the townspeople are stupid." We con...

Final Fantasy IX Part 2 - From the Evil Forest to the Ice Cavern, one thing is for sure: Zidane is a creep from 2016-04-10T13:17:20

We dive deeper into the world of Final Fantasy IX as we venture forth from the ruins of the airship Prima Vista into the clutches of the fairly aptly named Evil Forest. We begin to have our firs...

Final Fantasy IX Part 1 - Kidnappers With The Rachel Haircut from 2016-04-03T22:17:40

It's the first real episode of Square Roots, the Classic RPG podcast! We begin with the recently re-released (on iOS and Android anyhow) Final Fantasy IX! So many questions are raised in this ep...

Episode 0 - What Is Square Roots? from 2016-03-28T02:04:26

In our short little introductory episode we ask: what is Square Roots? What sort of games will we be looking at? Why do some episodes have sound drops?

So many questions!

Listen