Short Story: Burning Green by ApocD - a podcast by ApocD

Warning: There's indirect nudity in this story. If the word "naked" offends you, then this story isn't for you.


Sheriff Grant mumbled to himself as he negotiated the broken sidewalk and stepped up onto the front porch. It was a bright spring day; the metal star on his chest glittered in the sunlight as he approached the front door. A handgun and a handheld CB hung from his hip. His cruiser, a white Ford Taurus with a dented front fender, sat in the gravel driveway. His face was locked in a stone expression as he rapped his knuckles on the screen door's wooden frame.

Shady knew why the sheriff had come. He opened the door, gave the sheriff a nod, invited him inside, and offered him a seat.

The sheriff was only a part-time sheriff; he pushed papers up in Fort Knox on weekdays. He was a fair man, but he didn't like to do any more sheriff work than he had to; he had to be thinking that this whole situation was a waste of time.

"Beer, sheriff?"

The sheriff shook his head. "I'm on duty, Shady. Anyway, I'm hoping I won't be long."

Shady sat in the rocking chair by the TV, the creaky chair that his grandmother had left to him, and faced the sheriff. "Well, what did she do this time?"

The sheriff ran his hands through his thin black hair and clicked his tongue. "You know she's naked?"

Shady nodded. "Yeah. She bothering people?"

"She's scaring them is what she's doing. She's sitting in the parking lot over at Jake's store and she keeps spouting some garbage about aliens coming and how she's just trying to save everyone, but to people around town it just sounds like she's lost her mind. You know what's gotten into her?"

"She told me the other night that the universe spoke to her."

The sheriff gave him a look as if he expected more explanation. "What's that even mean? The universe spoke to her?"

"It means what it means. She said she was in her car on the way back home and the radio started talking to her. Told her it was the universe and it was expanding at a rate that keeps on increasing and that some aliens are coming and the only way to live is to pretend we're animals so they won't single us out."

The sheriff whistled softly and readjusted himself on the sofa. "I've got no choice but to take her in. There are decency laws, you know. You thought about getting her some help?"

"Yeah, I talked to her about it, but she said she didn't need any help. She said she was the one that was going to do the helping. Then, she just took off. Left her clothes out on the lawn there."

"And you didn't think to call me?"

"It's embarrassing, Sheriff. Anyway, I thought she'd get over it and come on home soon enough."

The sheriff sighed. "I don't think she knows what people are like around here. She's like to catch a pitchfork in the back if she doesn't settle it down a bit and put her clothes back on."
Shady's wife was from two counties over, which made her a foreigner to the locals.

There was silence in the living room as the men avoided eye contact. Static on the sheriff's CB broke the silence. A voice followed; it asked for the sheriff.

"Excuse me, got the universe on the line here." The sheriff grinned. "Wants to talk to me."

Shady held a blank expression.

"Sheriff Grant here. Go ahead."

"Sheriff, they's two of them now."

"Two what?"

"Two naked women, Sheriff. They're standing in the parking lot making all kinds of strange sounds."

"Out in front of Jake's?"

"Yeah."

"Well, who's the other woman?"

"That's the thing, Sheriff. It's your wife."

"I'll be right there. Over and out."

The sheriff replaced the CB in its holster and stood. "Come on, before they run off into the woods together."


Shady sat in the passenger's seat of the sheriff's cruiser; he'd wanted to drive his own car, but the sheriff had insisted. He wondered if before it was all over, he would be sitting in the back, behind the steel mesh window.

Shady caught glimpses of the sheriff's handgun as they cruised the backroads on the way to Jake's store. He didn't know a .45 from a Saturday night special, but he knew the gun was big; an image of the sheriff taking Shady's wife's head off with one shot kept running through his mind.

When they pulled up to Jake's store, a group of eight men were standing under the green awning. Among them was Deputy Atwell, who was also a volunteer firefighter and president of the local Lyon's Club. Deputy Atwell nodded toward the sheriff and flashed a set of broken teeth. The two women were sitting in one of the parking spaces, making strange, angry sounds at the sheriff's cruiser as it pulled into the space beside them.

The sheriff's wife was a looker. Shady tried not to stare, but found his eyes locked on her for a moment just as the sheriff killed the engine.

"Take a picture, Shady."

The sheriff opened his door and stepped out as the women screamed at him in voices that sounded like a cross between a monkey and a hyena. Shady walked around the car and stood beside the sheriff. The women yelled even louder.

The sheriff spit on the asphalt. "Helen, what kind of garbage has this woman put in your mind?"

The sheriff's wife hooted and then flashed her teeth at the sheriff.

"My God, woman, you're naked as the day you were born and you've got these men out here staring at you. Now, I know you're worried about those aliens or whatever you want to call them, but there's no way to know what they want until they get here, and that's not going to be for a while. Now, get on into the cruiser here and let me take you home so we can talk about it."

The sheriff's wife turned away from him and started hooting again. Shady's wife followed her lead.

The sheriff turned to Shady. "Well, you going to give it a try?"

Shady shook his head. "No, it won't do any good. You going to take them in?"

The sheriff spit on the asphalt again. "No. We'll just leave them. They'll come around soon enough."

Shady made eye contact with his wife; she was growling at him. "All of this acting like an animal business, it's not going to do any good if aliens come. We have too many statues to ourselves and everything's designed for our bodies. They'll know."

Shady's wife stopped growling. "The universe told me what to do. That's all I'm doing. If the universe talked to you, you'd do the same."

The sheriff laughed. "If the universe spoke to me, I'd go seek some psychiatric help." That got a laugh from the men under the awning. The sheriff turned to the men. "Enjoy the show, boys. Before the world ends, might as well get you an eyeful."


Three weeks later, just after one o'clock on a Saturday afternoon, Shady and the sheriff stood under the awning of Jake's store; the sheriff held a green garden hose and Shady held a baseball bat. The wives were naked and their number had increased; they'd taken up most of the parking lot in front of Jake's store. They picked each others' hair and grunted and hooted. When the wind blew just right, the smell from the parking lot hit Shady and turned his stomach.

The problem was, and this was the reason Shady had even bothered coming to the store, there were naked men mixed in with them as well. Although he'd decided that his marriage was probably over, Shady still didn't like the idea of some hippy who acted like a monkey getting physical with the woman who was, according to the law, still his wife. That's why they had set up the watch, to make sure nothing funny happened, at least nothing funnier than a group of naked people hanging out in a parking lot pretending to be animals to trick aliens into sparing their lives.

The sheriff nudged Shady. "I bet they'd be wild in the sack now, if we could get them cleaned up."

"I just want a divorce."

The sheriff nodded. "You think there's really aliens coming?"

"Yeah, I do. What about you?"

"I don't know, Shady. Seems a bit convenient. Scientists get some message and they just happen to be able to decode it. A bit too easy for me. I think it's a move to shake us up, put more fear into us so the government can squeeze us even more and take away more of our rights."

"Sheriff, you work for the government, right? I mean, twice over, you work at Fort Knox and you're a sheriff."

"Yeah, but I'm not trying to put the squeeze on anyone."

One of the naked guys, a single man who had once taught math at the high school in the county seat, grabbed one of the women by the hips. The sheriff sprayed him with the hose. The man grunted and hooted and let go of the woman.

The sheriff killed the spray and lowered the hose. "We're going to end up with baby freaks if we're not careful. You know what, Shady, here's what I don't understand. If they're trying to be all primitive and animal-like, what are they doing in front of Jake's here? I mean, they've got money stashed around here, and except for a few berries one of them brought back from the woods over there, they've just been buying their food from Jake. Good for Jake, I guess, except I'd bet a lot of business is passing him up and heading on down to Fork's. If they're going to be animals, they need to go all the way. And, what happens when they run out of money?"

As Shady was thinking about his answer, a low rumble came from the sky. He dropped the baseball bat and followed the sheriff out into the parking lot, where they mixed in with the savages. A bright green light was slowly cutting its way across the blue sky, leaving a white trail behind it.

"Sheriff, any idea what that is?"

The sheriff spit on the asphalt without taking his eyes off the thing in the sky. "Can't say for sure, but it's burning green. Copper burns green. So does barium."

"Okay, but then what is it?"

"I hate to say it, Shady, but I think that's an alien craft."

The savages took quick glances up at the sky, but appeared to be trying to ignore the thing.

"Well, Sheriff, I find it hard to believe that we just happen to be in the place where the ship's coming down."

"Probably not the only one. They're probably coming down all over the earth."

"What are we going to do?"

There was no answer from the sheriff. When Shady lowered his eyes, the sheriff already had his shirt off and was working on his pants.

"Sheriff?"

The sheriff looked Shady in the eyes, smiled, and hooted with a noise that sounded like a cross between a monkey and a hyena. He took his wife's hand and they disappeared into the woods behind Jake's store.

Shady looked up at the sky, took one last coherent look at the object up there, and took off his shirt.

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