The Apt Cods Podcast: Pet Vet 2 - a podcast by Mary and Emma Moberly

Nurse:I wonder why we always have the same owner, and she always brings stuffed animals?
Surgeon:We are waiting for the animal as we speak.
Nurse:Oh, really?
Surgeon:Yeah. It should be here in a matter of seconds.
Nurse:What is it?
Surgeon:3...2...1... She's not here.
Nurse:Well, what is it?
Surgeon:She didn't say.
Nurse:Call her! We know her phone number. It's right here in the phone book.
(Telephone ringing)
Surgeon:It's the answering machine. She's not there. She should be here soon.
Nurse:I'll go wait on the sidewalk.
Surgeon:Must be having trouble figuring out which pet to bring. She has so many of them.
(Arf!)
Surgeon:A dog? I've always wanted to do a dog patient. Cool.
(barking)
Surgeon:Why are you dragging it along on that leash?
Nurse:Yes. How dare you drag your dog around like that!
Owner:Pretend it's walking.
Nurse:Pretend?! Oh the poor animal!
Owner:Mary, how about it's walking.
Nurse:Ok.
Nurse:What appears to be wrong with your dog?
Owner:Ahem. The dog is sick.
Surgeon:In what way?
Owner:It sneezes a lot.
Nurse:Does it have a cold?
Owner:Probably. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW!
Surgeon:Is it active?
Owner:No.
(We hear the dog jumping on a file cabinet and barking)
Owner:It's not active! Mary, it's not active!
Surgeon:It appears very active.
Owner:Mary, don't do that!
Nurse:The dog appears to be making rock and roll music against the file cabinet.
Owner:Mary, come on! Don't do that!
Surgeon:Does you dog listen to too many CD's?
Owner:Well, he's listened to every CD I've listened to. He just lies there...
Nurse:He's banging his stomach against the file cabinet.
(Howling)
Nurse:And he's howling in pain.
(More howling)
Surgeon:Um... when you called you said that he had stomach pains and you said he wouldn't eat...
Owner:No, I didn't!
Nurse:Yes you did!
Owner:I never said that! I said he wouldn't play!
(Still howling)
Surgeon:He didn't play either, I know.
Owner:I never said he wouldn't eat!
Surgeon:I think the reason he doesn't eat--
Owner:I NEVER SAID HE DOESN'T EAT!
(Laughter)
Nurse:Okay. So. The dog is not eating.
(Dog is howling in pain)
Owner:Shiloh!
Nurse:His name is Shiloh.
Owner:Yeah. He's a beagle.
Surgeon:Why are you always saying, "His name is Shiloh!" and stuff like that?
Nurse:Because I feel like it! I'm a nurse!
Surgeon:I never had that sort of feeling. I guess it's because I'm not a nurse.
Nurse:We should take some X-rays to see if he has something lodged in his stomach. Or in his intestines.
Surgeon:Give me that dog.
Nurse:We should see if he has something in his intestines.
(Choking noises)
Nurse:Don't choke the dog!
Surgeon:Sorry! Sorry, I was just...
Owner:What are you doing to my poor puppy?!
Surgeon:My puppy!
Owner:My puppy!
Nurse:We appear to have an argument. Should we go to court, or solve this right now?
Surgeon:Eew! Stupid dog! He peed on me!
Owner:See what happens when you hold a dog that doesn't know you at all?
Surgeon:I think he's rather excited.
(Howling again)
Nurse:I am translating his howling into English. He appears to be saying, "My stomach hurts! My stomach! My stomach!" or in Spanish: "Mi estómago, mi estómago, mi estósmago!"
Surgeon:How did you know this?
Nurse:I am fluent in 2 million languages!
Surgeon:Well. We shall turn on the operating table light.
Owner:Oh no!
Surgeon:So... Miss, I will do anything in my power to make sure this dog is safe.
Nurse:Give it an X-ray so we can see what is lodged in its stomach or intestines.
(X-ray noises)
Nurse:There appears to be a fire hydrant inside of him.
Surgeon:It's a wonder he can breathe!
Owner:He's too small for a fire hydrant!
Nurse:I don't think he swallowed a fire hydrant. It appears to be his dog tag which is in the shape of a fire hydrant.
Surgeon:Aha! He was spending all his time around fire hydrants, so I guess he just swallowed one.
Nurse:That's dalmatians, not beagles! They spend all their time around guns.
Surgeon:My. He has fallen asleep.
(snoring)
Surgeon:I didn't know dogs snored.
Nurse:Oh. Maybe it was me.
Surgeon:Am I boring?
Nurse:Yes!
Surgeon:Okay. We need to get this fire hydrant--I mean--
Nurse:Don't do that!
Surgeon:I'm sorry--
Nurse:You're not supposed to do anything with its head!
Surgeon:I'm sorry, I just like to inject stuff into animals! (Evil laughter)
Surgeon:What I shall do is...I shall open its mouth and reach into its throat and take out the fire hydrant.
Nurse:It's not a fire hydrant! It's a dog tag!
Owner:I though you were going to put a tube in his throat.
Nurse:Yeah.
Surgeon:(taking something out of the dog's throat)Oops, that's his bone. Let's see what else is in there.
Nurse:Don't stick your hand in there!
Surgeon:Aha!
Nurse:You were supposed to stick a tube in his throat! You probably put a bunch of germs in there from your other patients!
Surgeon:Let's ventilate him.
(Ventilating sounds (whatever those are))
(Howl)
Nurse:Uh-oh, he awoke.
Surgeon:He's asleep now. Okay, um... Nothing is wrong with him anymore.
(Silence)
Nurse:Bandage him? I don't know... You're the surgeon! You know what to do!
Surgeon:I never operated on a dog before.
Nurse:Should we clean off this dog tag?
Surgeon:Ahem. Wipe, wipe, wipe.
Nurse:Aren't you supposed to sterilize--
Surgeon:Sterilize, sterilize, sterilize. Here you are, miss, here's your dog tag. I mean, the dog's dog tag. Um... Would you mind if we gave him a regular checkup? Check his ears and stuff?
Nurse:That would cost more!
Owner:Yeah, that would cost more!
Surgeon:Oh, sorry. Here's your dog, uh...
Nurse:Carry him home.
Surgeon:Yeah.
(Growl)
Surgeon:Aaaaah! He bit me! He bit me!
Nurse:Walk him home, then.
Surgeon:Phew. Did you know that dog bites cause more deaths a year than snake bites?
Nurse:I think I read that in the Boys' Life!
Surgeon:Did you, now?. (Pause) Miss, does your dog have rabies? When is the last time your dog had a rabies shot? Come back here! Give me that dog! Nurse, get the dog!
Nurse:In my records, it says that this dog had a rabies shot on December 12, 1549. Don't worry, this dog has had its rabies shots.

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