Ep 21 - Liar, Liar. Pants on Fire! - a podcast by Dilek Yucel & Alex Kain

Intro: Is it ever ok to tell a lie? What is the impact of lies and secrets on our relationships and how do you recognise a lie when its disguised as something else?

•The different types of lies you can tell
•Is it ever ok to tell a lie? White lie.
•What's the impact of secrets and lies on a relationship
•How do you deal with lies when they show up.

Relationships thrive on trust. It is the solid foundation that the relationship framework is built on. Lets say that the framework is made of wood then telling lies over a period of time would be like termites eating away at your framework that you've both worked hard to build and the whole structure slowly but surely falling down around you both. With lies comes mistrust and insecurity and a dysfunctional relationship. Lies are the antithesis of building trust and a strong connection. Being open and vulnerable with your truth can at times be the more challenging option but almost always leads to a more rewarding relationship. Lies keep us disconnected and distant: Truth & Openness leads to deeper intimacy in all relationships.

White lie: is an innocuous lie that we use to spare our partners feelings. Most people use these to help the relationship move along without needing to debate or discuss every little thing. e.g: does my bum look big in this...or "I'm fine..." "dinner was lovely..."

Lets look at 7 types of lies people use:

•Error-a lie by mistake. The person believes they are being truthful, but what they are saying is not the complete truth.
•Omission - leaving out relevant information. Easier and least risky. It doesn't involve inventing any stories. It is passive deception and less guilt is involved. (leave out the cost of a new purchase) (wanting children)
•Restructuring-distorting the context. Saying something in sarcasm, changing the characters, or the altering the scene. (talking about your past)
•Denial-refusing to acknowledge a truth. The extent of denial can be quite large-they may be lying only to you just this one time or they may be lying to themselves.
•Minimization-reducing the effects of a mistake, a fault, or a judgment call. (illness)
•Exaggeration-representing as greater, better, more experienced, more successful. (finances)
•Fabrication-deliberately inventing a false story. (cheating)



You're not fessing up about your past

Relationships thrive on trust. That requires letting go and showing your partner who you were as well as who you are. That doesn't mean you have to spill your guts about every skeleton in your closet on the first date, but letting someone in, over time, is imperative, if you want to have a relationship that can withstand the bad times that inevitably come to everyone. Remember that withholding the truth can impact upon a relationship in exactly the same way that lying or micro-cheating does. "Things you should never lie about include why your last relationship ended," says Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW, a licensed therapist. "It's important for your partner to know what went wrong for you in the past, and if you're still continuing the same behaviours. And, that includes cheating." Hershenson also includes mental health issues in this list. "Knowing if you've struggled with depression, anxiety, or substance use is important, because it gives your partner information...

Further episodes of The DNA of Mindful Relationships

Further podcasts by Dilek Yucel & Alex Kain

Website of Dilek Yucel & Alex Kain