Ep 24 - Breaking Up is Hard to Do - a podcast by Dilek Yucel & Alex Kain

A relationship break up is one of the more stressful life events anyone could go through but sometimes its just plain necessary.
Sign #1: A loss of the Us-ness

•Do they tell the 'story of us' in positive playful way keeping irritability and emotional distance in the closet.
•When negativity takes over its hard to remember the good times.

Sign #2: Weak Fondness and Admiration

•There is a major difference between couples who last and couples who separate. Happy couples tell their Story of Us with warmth, affection, and respect for each other.


•Couples who break up tend to recall unfavourable first impressions with their partners. The words they use to describe their relationship feel cold. The story unhappy couples tell will focus on a major blow-up rather than a fun time or happy memory.

Sign #3: Me-ness Dominates We-ness

•Happy couples tell their stories with a sense of "we-ness," or of solidarity. You get the feeling that they are "in this together." Often their words show similar beliefs, values, and goals.


•When the solidarity and togetherness is lost, partners often describe their history in a way that emphasizes how it affected them individually ("me-ness"), rather than as a couple. They prioritize getting what they want and ignore their partner's needs.


•Unhappy couples become gridlocked by negative arguments because they are focusing on me, not we. When they each try to win, there is no solidarity in the relationship.

Sign #4: Impersonal Details of Partners

•When couples have vivid and distinct memories of each other, it's a sign that they understand and respect each other, and that they know each other well and do their best to be there for each other. It's important to know what makes your partner sad or happy, or what your partner cares about.


•Couples who lack this connection do not reminisce with humour or vivid memories. They talk about their history in an impersonal way, mentioning nothing specific about each other.

Sign #5: Relationship Struggles Push You Apart

•Couples who talk about their history as chaotic are often unhappy. The stories they share are not about pulling together , or of making light of them even if they were difficult at the time. It's clear that the past troubles and conflicts did not strengthen their bond. It pushed them apart.


•What matters is how couples interpret the negative and positive events in their history. Even if there are a number of negative events, happy couples can discuss how they grew together from those events-even if they resulted in a temporary disconnection.

Sign #6: The Relationship Falls Short of Your Expectations

•It's a clear sign a couple is at a risk of splitting when one partner expresses disappointment in how the relationship has ended up. When these partners recall choices in the past, they often express cynicism about long-term commitment. And when they make those cynical statements, they are short, and they don't try to explain nuances of the situation.

Further episodes of The DNA of Mindful Relationships

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Website of Dilek Yucel & Alex Kain