What's wrong with being a Nice Guy? Isn't that what everyone wants in a partner?

No, they don't. Nice Guys aren't nice. Nice guys are a problem – for themselves and for the people they want to seduce.

Because Nice Guys aren't what you (or they) think they are. They're the people pleasers who never truly ask for or say what they need. They're the approval-seekers (or disapproval-avoiders). They're the fixers and the caretakers who're always keeping a mental balance sheet in their minds: Because I do X for you, I should get Y in return. But it's all left unspoken, slowly bubbling away in a cauldron of resentment until it explodes into miserable, angry fights.

And anyway, being nice to someone doesn't get you a cookie. It's not some wondrous gift that sets you apart and makes you attractive. It's the minimum we should expect of ourselves!

This episode's probably going to upset some of you. In it, we take apart the myth and reality of the Nice Guy and challenge you (and ourselves) to be responsible for our own needs and emotions.

So let's start at the beginning: realising that you have needs in a relationship and that you have to articulate what they are. If you don't express your needs, you're just expecting everyone around you to be a mind-reader: have you told them? If not, why are you getting ever-more angry that things aren't going the way you want them to?

'People don't even know themselves. To expect them to know you is just foolhardy'

– Dre

This isn't the same as being needy, though. Nothing is less seductive than being needy. It's the antithesis of value, and our human brains have long evolved to figure out what's 'valuable' and what's not. Having something (or someone) be infinitely available to you and never offer any challenge or feedback means you've priced yourself at zero. And other people are going to detect that very quickly.

In a healthy relationship, people want a companion and a confidante – not some kind of henchman.

So how do we talk about needs without being needy? How do we escape the Friend Zone?

The most important element here is boundary-setting and having the courage to say 'No' to what we don't want or won't accept. This is the opposite of playing mind-games: this is about establishing the rules of the game so that everyone can then get down to actually playing and having fun.

And if it turns out the person you're trying to seduce isn't willing or able to respect what you need – it's time to call it quits. After all:

'You can't successfully have a relationship with someone who isn't able to respect your needs'

– Jon

We're not beating up on Nice Guys from the sidelines, though: Jon opens up about an abusive relationship he was in, in which he was the nice guy, and all the many mistakes he made (as well as what he's learnt from them).

We also cover how to set up clear lines of communication from the start of a relationship so that subterfuge and mistrust aren't the order of the day when problems inevitably start to arise.

So let's stop being nice and start being authentic. Are you ready? 

Also Including:

• Why other people sometimes want you to say no to them
• The art of seduction
• How to defeat passive aggression
• Having and keeping your own space
• Define your relationship terms without 'spoiling the magic'
• How to get the sex you want (and admit there IS something you want)

Links:

• Robert Glover, the author of No More Mr Nice Guy
• Esther Perel’s Audible series on Infidelity
• T1J's video on Nice Guys
• Check out Jamie C Johnstone's art and t-shirts!

Be Silly. Be Kind. Be Weird.

Further episodes of Voices in the Dark

Further podcasts by Jon & Dre

Website of Jon & Dre