Warm mug of phantom poetry: episode 18: gender and identity - a podcast by N. J. Saroff

Welcome to episode 18 of njs warm mug of phantom poetry if you new the podcast I'm NJ Saroff a
Also known as the phantom poet on SoundCloud

This podcast best enjoyed a cup of tea and today's tea is


Today's poems are what someone would put on my tombstone, letters to your Shadow, where wind would take me and human
And the poem of the week is there is no greater crime than leaving by Bertolt brecht



What someone else would put on your tombstone

Here lies Natalie
my full name would be printed on my tombstone
I would not be able to make a correction or fix any of the gendered words used on to it
it would say she lies here or she lived a good life
She was a writer she was everything at the same time she was nothing she wanted to be she was a daughter, she was an actress, she was absolutely nothing
she she she
I was not a she when I died I want to be the he, the they,
I want people to respect the gender that I I found myself in
I want the name NJ printed on my stone I know that's a lot to ask for
I know that Natalie is the name they wanted
I know that Natalie has meaning
but I don't connect with Natalie it's like we're two different people in the room one is called NJ, the other called Natalie, NJ is demiboy or non-binary Natalie is girl we aren't friends we would walk by each other in the hallway and ignore the other
We do know that the other exists and that some people prefer one over the other
and that some wish that one would just go away and die
To die nameless to disappear and not bother any more to correct people on pronouns or names or the gender identity
How you say
daughter instead of child mother instead of parent gurl instead of pal sometimes I wish I was nameless formless non existent then they would have nothing to get wrong
But I exist so please just listen before you put me in the ground and move on




Letter to your shadow
Dear shadow
Shall I call you my dark twin
Surely you are not evil
You are simply a reflection
You take on my form, my outline
Magnify and shrink it
You desire the light though you aren't seen in the night
You are my longest and oldest friend
every time I've been alone not in darkness but in the light that shines you have found me and in a way almost held me
you do not speak
But maybe you do not need to
You do listen better than I do
I've always wondered what's it like on the other side for you
to always follow
to never go your own
to create their outline instead of your own
I wonder if you miss me the way I miss you when it is too dark or when I am under shade
I wonder if you think of me in those times when I am away
I wonder if you wait for the light
wait for the sun, smile at its arrival
or
if you don't want to be seen you want to hide if you want to remain invisible
dearest Shadow you are my oldest and longest friend
You have seen me through everything
You know all my secrets
I don't know if you wanted to
but you do
and now forever it will be just us two



I have vivid dreams my thoughts paint images of days and weeks that stretch on in 2 years my memories I fall asleep the colorful visions of old times I called myself an artist yet I seem to only produce my best work in my head never fully able to put it out on the paper with brush or pen a dream of my masterpiece the words flowing so quickly the brush not shaking in my hand I tremble at the thought of making something beautiful it's not that I don't think I'm beautiful I do think I'm beautiful but there's something mystical about art shape its words how do we humans feel worthy enough to make it why do we feel the need to capture all the moments around us
I call myself a writer I call myself an artist call myself a playwright I call myself a poet I call myself human and I think that's the only phrase that best describes me



Where I'd like the wind to take me
Back to the days of my youth
Back to when I was closeted
Back to when I claimed silence to be my one true friend
Back to dating simply so I could

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