Warm mug phantom poetry: episode 12: Memories - a podcast by N. J. Saroff

Episode 12
Welcome to episode 12 of NJ warm mug of phantom poetry
If you're new to the podcast I'm NJ Saroff also known as the phantom poet on SoundCloud


This podcast is best enjoyed with a cup of tea


This week I wanted to talk about memories I'm very good at picturing memories but not as good at holding onto the when and where of memories but poetry has helped me record important memories in my life
Im including a trigger warning today as 2 of the poems I chose mention sexual assult and trauma and self harm
This week's poems are how, wishes, and a poem to owings mills and the poem of the week is permanent home by Mei-mei Berssenbrugge,

How by naticat

I fell in love once Maybe twice now that I think about it Okay I’m sure I have only ever been in love 3 times. Each one ended different, he didn’t want me to be anything more than his fuck buddy, she didn’t like me the way I liked her, and they only liked the idea of dating me, not actually dating me. Suddenly surrounding me are people with very real emotions Very real feelings for me what am I to tell them, being honest seems so dishonest and wrong yet its who i am, I just want a fuck buddy who is just as inappropriate as I am, I just don’t like them the way they like me, I just prefer the idea of dating rather than actually dating How can someone love someone who has become the mere thing that the person they loved hated the most, how can someone look at that person they love and even utter the words I love you to them, I never wanted to be this way, I was sculpted this way by others, its not my fault, I give you a chance then I push you away . You ask me what I want but I Dont know, I never know. You say I can fall in love again, but I fall out of love so quickly You Dont want me, Dont tell me you need me, I am no good for you. When I fall in love I Dont stop being in love the feeling never goes away. I’m still hurt inside from those 3 who I know didn’t mean to hurt me. How can you love someone like that? You deserve better than this.



I wish my mind mesmorized recipes over bed sheets, birthdays over hand prints,
Book quotes over those lies
I want to remember appointment times, instead of the anger lines that creased against his face
Recall the flavor of hot cocoa not the way his lips taste against my skin
Can I remember song lyrics instead of the bed we slept in
I don't want to replay the way he stole my breathe away
How his sigh ate my cries for help
I feel so frantic in the places we used to go, a simple trigger and once again my tongue can't form a single word but no.
Sometimes I find myself picking at this wound on my brain maybe if I drive myself insane I'll forget him.
Be able to hold on to the memories of my lover Kiss, or old photographs, or the morning mist
I want to remember the good parts of my life
Not the metaphorical way he dug in his knife
Sometimes I find myself waking up in his room even when I am so away from that house of doom
And I just want to cry, cry about the nights, rid every nerve of the guilt from all the fights
But I have carefully tucked his touch into every crevice of my body, made sure i couldnt escape his laugh in my ear, I still drown in his scent, and deep down I think I still care,
I check his Facebook profile once a month to see who's remained friends with him despite the fact they know what he did, every time the number goes up, anger boils in me and i can feel it about to erupt
I can not eject the shards he left me with, they dig into the cuts that reject the process of healing
I am left with gripping onto him the same way he held onto to my limbs
Careful not to leave a see able mark, but visibile anytime love leaked out of my heart.
2-15-19


When i was younger I remember how clean the streets were they used to glisten shine in the sunlight when you're young you think everything is alright but now trash lines the Roads and I don't know where to go so I stay in owings mills, ive lived in owings mills 13 years,

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