054: Conscious Uncoupling 101 - a podcast by Ali and Lynn

Hey guys! Welcome to episode 54. This week we're going to talk about Conscious Uncoupling.

If there’s one thing we can all agree upon as humans, is that breakups are rough waters to navigate. There is typically unresolved resentment, anger, and sadness, and we may feel anxious to stay attached out of fear and impulse. At times we can feel tempted to create a negative bond from the positive one we once shared with a partner, because we’re deeply hurting.

However, there is a way to build a bigger boat to navigate your breakup, rather than clinging to a tiny life raft. There is a method to alchemize post-traumatic stress from a breakup into post-traumatic growth.

This breakup process that allows us to restore our emotional balance, heal detrimental patterns, and transform that breakup pain into profound growth.

Today, we’re going to walk you through the 5 steps to a method called “Conscious Uncoupling”, so that no matter where you are in your breakup, you can start healing your old patterns, build new foundations, and level up in your life.

 

The loss of an intimate relationship is often a crossroads in which you can find yourself in a downward or upward spiral depending on many factors, including your specific situation, your amount of support, and ultimately, your mindset and emotional intelligence. We talked about emotional intelligence in a previous episode (episode #53), so that is a great starting point if you feel called to work on your EQ.

These difficult moments in our lives can be magnificent catalysts for change if we allow them to be. If you wish to know how to move through a breakup on a primarily upward spiral, conscious uncoupling may be your answer.

 

Time does not heal all wounds – it is the consistency in which we show up for ourselves. We tend to not show up for ourselves every day, so naturally the time period in which we heal will take longer, the less we decide to show up for ourselves.

 

The following process was created by Katherine Woodward Thomas, and its mentioned in her book called “Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Ever After”

We’ve added our own commentary to each step here, but we wanted to give credit where its due.

 

Step one: Find Emotional Freedom

The phrase “Feel it to heal it” is really empowering here. To find emotional freedom, allowing your emotions to flow through as they may, and observing them, accepting them (rather than repressing them). This process will allow us to move through our emotions without letting them send us in a downward spiral. If you think of how quickly a baby can move through their emotions – we can learn from this. They fully feel and express their emotions and then intuitively alchemize or lighten their energy body after the emotion has been fully expressed, by smiling or laughing.

If you would like a step by step process on creating a safe way to express your emotions, continue listening.

This is called “creating an inner sanctuary of safety:

1. Become still (open yourself to be receptive of how you’re feeling)



2. Step back from your feelings (witness/observe them from a bigger perspective)



3. Connect with a deeper, wider center (than your emotions) within



4. Extend love to the part of you suffering



5. Welcome in and mirror your feelings (ask yourself questions compassionately on how you’re feeling, and observe/make sure that part of you feels seen/heard)



6. Breathe out a blessing (For each feeling you identify, on your next in-breath, breathe that feeling straight into the center of your heart, fully welcoming it, and on the out-breath, breathe out a prayer and blessing for yourself and all beings throughout the world who are suffering with this exact same feeling in this very moment.)



7. Name and mirror your needs (similar to step 5, but asking yourself what you need emotionally (love, closure, an apology, justice, safety, support, comfort, to be seen/heard, etc) and observe/make sure you understand what you need.

Not every need can be met right away, but this act of attending to yourself is what’s important in the moment.

 

Step Two: Reclaim Your Power and Your Life

This is essentially when we place all of the blame in the other person – with everything in our life there is a co-creator. We are collaborative beings. Even if the person is 97% at fault for causing the issues in the relationship, be interested in your 3%. 

Rather than giving the other person all of your power and thoughts. Focus on yourself and the ways in which you willingly gave your power away, self-sabotaged, turned away from truth, dimmed your light, or showed up as less than you are.

This is basically transforming your victimhood and resentment into the power you will need to move forward in life, knowing you learnt the lessons that were presented to you.

Here are some journal prompts to explore this Step #2.

1. What do you resent towards your former partner (and anyone else involved) and for what reason? Don’t censor yourself here



2. What can you take responsibility for in each situation? This is not admitted anything was your fault, nor is it condoning their behavior, but ask yourself a question from another persecptive, such as “in what ways did I give my power away to this person? Did I dismiss my feelings, was I trying to get someone to approve or love me, or was I seeking to control this person’s actions in any way?”



3. What else has it cost you in your life to give your power away like this? an example of this would be “by only going after men I believe I can control, I leave myself unfulfilled each time”. Or “being unwilling to set boundaries has trained people in my life to take advantage of me”



4. What amends do you need to make to yourself moving forward? Example “I commit to honoring my own feelings and needs as much as I honor others”



5. What new skills and capacities will you now need to develop to live this way consistently? Example “I will grow my capacity to tolerate disapproval from others in order to stay true to myself”

 

Step Three: Breaking the Pattern, Healing Your Heart

 

1. Become still (close your eyes and breathe)



2. Become aware of your feelings regarding your breakup and where they sit in your body. (example, I feel a heaviness in my heart space)



3. Welcome in your feelings (breathe deeply and hold witness to these feelings with compassion. Extend love to the part of your body that’s hurting)



4. Notice what you are making the breakup mean about you. Example, “I am making this breakup mean that I’m not wanted and I’m not good enough”. Next, notice what you are making the breakup mean about your relationship with the gender you’re attracted to. Example, “Men always chase after the next best thing once they’re tired of me.” And then, notice what you are making the breakup mean about the possibilities you hold for happiness in love. Example of this would be, “It is dangerous to let anyone get too close”.

Congratulations, you now identified your current limiting beliefs.

1. Identify how old each of these beliefs are, and how big the energy feels



2. Break state: challenge the old beliefs and set entirely new desired beliefs (I choose to release these old beliefs as they are no longer serving me. I have the power to take on a whole new set of beliefs)

Step Four: Becoming a Love Alchemist

 

Steps One, Two and Three have all been about you, and Step Four is now about you and your former partner.

This exercise for step 4 is called “clearing the air”

We are all connected at a soul level, particularly to our partners. So whether you do this practice in person, or in a meditative state and invite the spirit of your former partner to join you for this dialogue, you may be surprised how effective it is to dissolve toxic residue, and set you free to move forward with a light and unburdened heart.

The first step of this exercise involves understanding the sole purpose – which is to clear the air of any hurts and resentments between you and your former partner. It is important during this, to set aside any personal goals of getting your needs met, changing your former partner’s mind, winning an argument, or resolving your differences.

The next step is to Identify the Active Hurts and Disappointments You’re Each Still Struggling With

Number 3 is to Become Willing to Take Responsibility for the Impact Your Behavior Has Had On Others. Fully listen and do not interrupt your former partner. 

Number 4 is Let Your Former Partner Know What You Now See About the Impact Your Behavior Has Had Upon Him or Her.

Number 5 is Offer to Make Amends By Taking Wholesome Right Action.

We’re not going to expand much on this practice, as it would make this already long podcast extra long, but if you’re interested look up “the Clearing the Air exercise” by Katherine Woodward Thomas.

If you want it summarized in a nutshell, I would say to just put everything out on the table (air it out) – be willing to speak your truth and be heard, as well as offer an open mind and compassionate ear to your former partner to do the exact same. The conversation will go both ways.

 

And step five to the conscious uncoupling process is… Creating Your Happy Even After Life.

This is where you take on the absolutely necessary task of reinventing your life and setting up vital new structures and foundations that will allow you to thrive after the breakup. 

The goal being to create a better version of you, expanding up and out, exploring your infinite possibilities.

It’s important to honor the love you once shared and all of the good and the growth that came from your union.

Do a lot of reflecting on the lessons learnt and happiness shared while you were together, and how you will use this as fuel forward to create a beautiful new chapter of your life - rather than ruminating and beating yourself up over the past.

// Episode Sponsor Solluna. Intuitive guidance, energy healing, and cosmic truth by Ali // Music by www.purple-planet.com // IG @gwtefpodcast // Email gwtefpodcast@gmail.com

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