229 Choose Unparallel - a podcast by Saundra Dalton-Smith, MD, Board-Certified Internal Medicine Physician, Awar

Diana Asaad joins me on the show to share how couples who have been drifting apart, losing connection, and living parallel lives can choose to get their marriage back on track.

Get Diana's free Marriage Toolkit and Intentional Date Night Guidelines.

Get your copy of Journey to You: Fierce Freedom, Authentic Passion, Gracious God.

 

Show Notes:

Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Welcome, everyone. This is Dr. Sandra, and you're listening to I Choose My Best Life. Today, we are chatting with a friend of mine about a topic that I think is so important. And that is marriage. Has your marriage gotten to a point where you feel like you are just existing with each other? No connection?

No loving feelings anymore? Just In a house together. If that's the situation, marriage is a good thing. And God wants us to be in covenant with our spouses. And I have with me today Diana Assad, and she is a master-certified intensive coach. Christian counselor and marriage therapist is going to help us to be able to get back on track with this most covenant relationship.

So Diana, welcome for being here. I'm so happy to have you. I want you to start by just sharing a little bit about your own personal background and history in this topic.

Diana Asaad: Yeah. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate that. This process was birthed out of brokenness.

Our own marriage was falling apart. We had hit rock bottom. We'd been married for over a decade at that point, but we were really just existing. We didn't know what we didn't know. And as things sometimes do, it felt like everything around us was imploding. So marriage and personal and kids and all the things, financial, it was like being bankrupt in all the areas.

And it was our search for healing. We knew that there had to be a better way. We knew that this wasn't the life that God had called us to, but we didn't really know what that could look like. We couldn't find what we have established now. And it was out of that process of really searching and piecing together things and following God closely that we developed a solution oriented approach, really, to healing as well as Skill building in the emotional intelligence arena, two things that I think have been fundamental to our own process. And what we do today with clients. So we really are very grateful for that.

Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Oh, I love it. You took your pain and became solution areas for others. I want to jump into that because I feel this is a topic we all want to have healthy marriages. And sometimes I fear we don't know when things are falling apart.

We just see it when it's all in a mess. And one of the things you mentioned is that over 85 percent of the people that you work with tend to come to you when they are in crisis mode. What does that look like? How does someone know if they're, I don't even want to wait till people get in crisis mode. How do you know when you're headed in that direction?

Oh, good.

Diana Asaad: Such a great question. So yeah, about 85 percent of the couples that do see us are coming as a last resort. Some of them have already filed for divorce. Some of them are separated. But a lot of them, the majority of them, do feel like they're in crisis mode. And we look at that as living parallel lives.

So we do this a lot with the parallel living. Two hands that have a gap between them going in different directions. And that represents that we've drifted so far. Life has just gotten in the way. We came in with a set of expectations, probably misguided, dysfunctional ideals and ideas of what marriage should look like.

And we've just existed. And we've let life get in the way. And we drift. And we get to a place a lot of times, at least when they come to us, a lot of them have come to a place where there's no connection, there's no communication, they feel frustrated, they've been having the same argument over and over, and there's no exit ramp.

And so this cycle that doesn't, seems never ending has a way out. And that is a very distinct process that we walk people with. And really what we found, Dr. Sandra, is this, is that nobody teaches us how to be married. And we need somebody to hold our hand and looking and examine our foundations in relationship and say, Hey, this has some elements of dysfunction.

This doesn't work in a healthy relationship. We got to uproot some things. We got to teach them what it looks like to resolve their issues. So we actually asked them through the process to come up with their top five to seven recurring issues that if they wish, if we had a magic wand and we could we could wave that thing and these would be resolved.

They would be absolute game changers for their relationship. So we work, we roll up our sleeves with them, we dig into that, we teach them what resolution looks like for each of those areas. And we have 94 percent success at resolving their top recurring issues to their satisfaction. When they leave us, they get to review and to tell us what their process looks like.

And these issues that have been coming up for years in a lot of these cases, they now know a path forward that looks different. And what I love is that it's not a one and done, as healing never is, as life never is, right? We help them to develop healthy habits moving forward. So we work with them on an action plan for the next six months.

They leave with with an action plan, step by step of what change and healthy relationship needs to look like and how do we develop these habits. So it's a fun process. It's also pretty intense. I won't lie. It's diving into the deep end, but you're not alone, really guided through and I always tell my clients, I'm just as exhausted as you are after we're all done.

Okay. We're in it together. So that's really it's our

Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: joy. I think that's so true that what you mentioned as far as most of us have this, these moments in our life when things get hard and if we're not careful, it can be very easy to drift apart because sometimes we handle things as individuals, even within our marriage, and we have to keep the communication open, even when we're dealing with individual things within our own lives.

And I want to go a little bit deeper into some of what you described there, because It sounds intensive. We're bringing up our top five issues that we, that are keeping us at this kind of arguing and this torn apart relationship. We're bringing those up. I can imagine there's a lot of forgiving that has to happen there.

There's a lot of grace that has to occur that space has to feel really safe and hopeful. How do you create that type of space between two people who are in friction with each other?

Diana Asaad: So good. We really focus on creating safe space and not just creating it within our context of our retreat, but teaching the clients how to do that moving forward.

I really find that's a skill that not a lot of people understand or know how to do, but once they are introduced to it as a practical skill, they take to it. So creating safe spaces for us is a space for us not to feel judged, shamed, blamed, fixed. Or take things personally from the other side, right?

The moment if I'm sharing with my husband something and we're intending to make these safe spaces, the minute he takes it personally, he can't be present with me. And a lot of our males, we tend to find, are fixers. So the minute that a woman might open her mouth to begin to try and create that connection through emotional, just processing, the husband gets his fixer hat on.

We call it his fixer hat. And he's already thinking, Okay this is a problem. I need to fix it. But creating safe spaces isn't about fixing another person. It's really about being present with them. I may not process like you. I may not understand how you understand. But I seek to understand you. You matter to me.

So we actually lead them through what that looks like, because it is about forgiveness. It is about grace, but it's also about changed behavior. When I have hope that this is going to resolve that I am under, I'm being sought to understand the other person. That's a really big deal. I often say this, that the number one problem I see in relationships is not the things that you would typically think finance.

Those are valid. And those might be more on the surface, but if we're going to get into the root of it, it's that one or both of the couple parties doesn't feel like they matter anymore. So creating safe spaces is the remedy to that. We create that space to let them know, hey, I want you to know, I may not think like you, understand like you, process like you, but you matter to me.

And this is how we're gonna do it. I'm not gonna judge you, I'm not gonna shame you, I'm not gonna blame you, I'm not gonna try and fix you, and I'm not gonna take this personally. I'm just allowing you the space that you need. To process whatever it is that you've been carrying. And that in itself is a skill that's so healing.

Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Yes, it is. And I oftentimes call that restful is I term an emotional rest, that ability of being able just to share what's inside of you without the fear of shame and judgment, I love this concept of seeking to understand the other person, really being the gap that division between those parallel. Lives is that once we start seeking to truly to understand the other person, that gap closes. And you have a book that's out. I think that helps with that because sometimes the issue isn't just that we aren't verbalizing it. Sometimes we don't understand ourselves. It's hard to share yourself when you're still trying.

You're still in self discovery mode. You're still trying to figure a lot of it out yourself. And so your latest book journey to you. Fierce freedom, authentic passion, and gracious God really focuses on this. It focuses on the self discovery aspect and the spiritual growth aspect. How can that be helpful in this process of reconnecting these two lives?

Diana Asaad: So good. I look at even couple work, whether it's couple work or individual work as an inward, upward, outward process. So I tell couples, even when they're in my presence, I'll say to them, I know if we were just to fix the other person, everything would be great, but that's not really true.

The only person that you have. authority over and control over for real changes right here, you, right? You can't change another person. And so if we have a false identity, an insecure identity, don't know who we are, we're going to seek to find that in other places. And typically it's in our spouse. Who's also pretty imperfect.

Last time I checked, right? Even the good ones, they're still imperfect. And so it is an inward, upward, outward process. The book Journey to You really does chronicle my own journey of understanding what identity looked like. It's not just my journey, it's also scripturally taken from The story of Mary of Bethany and the different aspects of her life that mirror things in my life.

And then why does it matter to the reader? So each chapter is really full of practical application with a dig deeper devotion at the very end of the chapter where they can take the elements that they've learned and really apply them to their life in a way that's transformative. For instance, one of the chapters is about name confusion.

I wrestled with my name all my life. I was born in a Middle Eastern family, didn't like our last name. I found out later on, like in high school, that my name legally is Diane, but I was raised a Diana, so it was a crisis of identity, and I would blame my immigrant parents all the time. But name confusion was a real thing for me.

It was also a name confusion was also a really big thing for Mary of Bethany. Her name, Mary, means bitter. Her place, Bethany, Beth ah nia, means this, means house of struggle. So here, you have a picture of a woman whose name means bitter, and her place is a house of struggle. And yet, it's chronicled in scripture just how impactful, how she understood things that even the disciples didn't understand.

How her sacrifice was so pleasing unto the Lord. So our names, if we're not secure in our identity, if we don't get to walk with God and wrestle out what do you call me? God, I may have come from this place of bitterness. I may have come from this house of struggle. I may have not liked my name for many years, but Lord, what do you call me?

Where is my security and my identity in you? So it's really a practical approach to how to work that out from that perspective.

Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Oh, good. So good. When we're thinking about this with each couple, what are some just really practical tips we can begin to offer them if someone's listening right now and they're thinking this sounds like something my spouse and I need to do, what are some ways they can begin to foster better communication and connection starting today?

Diana Asaad: I love that. So one thing that we can do is what we call an intention date. Set aside some time. I like to do these in a separate location. Don't do it in your living room. Try and find a coffee shop or something where the two of you can get a change of atmosphere. We find that a change of place helps us have a change of Perspective.

We like to find maybe a location outside and you would sit together. And you would begin to talk about things that need to be talked about, but maybe we, because we've lived so separate and parallel for a long time, we don't have space to talk about them. This is funny. I'm smiling a little bit because a lot of people will share this intention date framework with people.

And then I'll get random emails from couples I've never met. Saying, Hey you worked with so and so a year ago and they told us about this. Can we have that framework, please? So it seems to be something that a lot of people really take to. And an intention date is simply this, asking three questions in eight areas of your life, and you're doing it about monthly to get a read, take a temperature.

You ask these three questions, where are we, where do we want to be? And what's one thing we can do this month to help move us in that direction? So really manageable, really actionable. And the eight areas are, you're going to look at your spiritual life and practices. Where are we? Where do we want to be?

What's one thing we can do to move us in that direction? Your marriage, your family life, your finances, your personal and fun, your ministry or giving back purpose. Your work, whatever that looks like, so housework, business, or vocation. aNd then finally, your health, and that's mental and physical. So those are the eight buckets, if you will.

Three questions, eight areas. Make it your own. And this and more is also found in our online toolkit that we make available to anybody. And that's at relentlessmarriage. com slash toolkit. They would have access to this and some powerful pattern interrupters, conversation starters, and things that would help in their relationship.

Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Oh, that sounds amazing. I love this idea of an intention date. I think many of us have heard of date night and sometimes and date nights are good. Don't get me wrong, but I feel like sometimes it's just dinner out and nothing really gets accomplished. You go out and you have a great meal together or you do something fun together.

But if, but this intention date, there's some really specific. Specific guidelines that actually helps you come out of it, feeling like you have accomplished something within your relationship. It helps rebuild that connection. So again, they can receive this free marriage kit at relentless marriage. com slash toolkit.

Correct. Yes, correct. Excellent. I wanted to just hear a little bit of maybe about a success story or a memorable experience that you've had as a master certified intensive marriage coach. What's one that really just stuck in your

Diana Asaad: heart? Yeah. Actually, this one was an interesting one.

This was a woman who is in my one on one practice because she actually came on because her husband refused to do any kind of marriage work. And she came to me with a lot of anxiety and actually a physical... Issue that wasn't going away. She had a degenerative brain disease. And so her circumstances were really difficult.

And I just encouraged her and in the beginning a lot of the sessions were built around the frustration with the spouse and I just kept redirecting her and giving her some practical things about what is within her control. How can we change what's within our control? And here are some things that we can begin to do.

And I kept assuring her that as she does the work, as she begins to practice this, there will be an overflow effect. And I kept saying, just trust me, you'll see something happen, whatever that looks like. Sometimes our spouses get so uncomfortable because we've done all this changing and they have to begin doing their own changing as a result.

And sometimes things become clear to us, like we need some additional help and things become evident. We'd been working together for about a year and She sent me a beautiful update. She had just re had this realization. In the update she said, Today, I saw a part of my spouse I hadn't seen in maybe ever.

What you had told me about the overflow effect, when I stopped focusing on him changing and started to see the things that were within my control, the things I could change, I can't tell you how different it's made the dynamic between us. And she was just thanking me, and she's saying, one step at a time.

I see this changing, not just for me, but also for my kids. So she was just expressing her gratitude. Now, what's interesting is this. Her circumstances didn't change. She still had this brain disease. That she understood was going to probably do some serious damage to her physical body. Her circumstances didn't change, but she did.

She, the change that she started to flourish under, I believe is going to have lasting impact on all the areas of her life. I want to encourage your listeners that sometimes it's not so much the circumstances that we can have control over, but we do have control over right here. And I think with God's help, honestly, that's the best place to be.

Often a prayer that I pray and I instruct my clients to pray is this Lord, change my heart or change my circumstances. But change something, God, because something's got to change. So when we get to that space, Lord, just change me or change my circumstances. And this was just a beautiful expression of that story, that prayer come to life.

Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: We've been chatting with Diana Asad. She's the author of Journey to You. Fierce freedom, authentic passion, gracious God, and a master certified intensive coach and Christian counselor. I want to make sure people know how to connect with you, Diana. If they want to join, you have a marriage retreat, you do online counseling and therapy sessions.

You travel and speak, you do a lot. So, how can people connect with you to learn more about your services and ways that they can work with you?

Diana Asaad: Yes, thank you. I think the best way is through our website, Diana Assad dot com. And that's d I a n a s a d dot com. There's also a free ebook right on that page about the emotional resilience roadmap.

And I think that's really valuable for folks as well. But that's our hub where they can get. Onto the marriage intensive receipt treat site. They can get into the one-on-one and see about the books and the coaching that we offer. So it's all housed under dianaaside. com.

Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith: Excellent. And I will link to that in the show notes, as well as to the marriage toolkit where you can get your date night guidelines to help you get back on track with that communication with your spouse.

Diana, thank you so much for joining me today. Thank you for having me. It's been a pleasure. Until next time, everyone, live fully, love boldly, and rest intentionally.

 

---

I Choose My Best Life Podcast is one of the  Top 20 Christian Women Podcasts

I Choose My Best Life

Books: Colorful Connections, Sacred Rest, Come Empty, Set Free to Live Free

Connect with Saundra:

Twitter: @DrDaltonSmith

Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/drdaltonsmith

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/DrSaundraDaltonSmith

Further episodes of I CHOOSE MY BEST LIFE

Further podcasts by Saundra Dalton-Smith, MD, Board-Certified Internal Medicine Physician, Awar

Website of Saundra Dalton-Smith, MD, Board-Certified Internal Medicine Physician, Awar