Top 5 Steps to Get Through the Maze - a podcast by Sala Sihombing

from 2020-07-06T03:55:49

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This is just my list based on working with many people going through the Maze:

Find ways to manage emotions: feeling strong emotions is a natural part of separating, it is important to understand and be aware of how you feel. At the same time, you will need a clear head and heart to be able to make all of the decisions and consider arrangements moving forward. Finding ways to manage and regulate your emotions will aid in mediating your arrangements.

Get support - legal / counsellor / therapist / financial advisor / etc.: People often have legal support which is very important as family mediators cannot give legal advice and yet these are the most important and personal decisions you may ever make. In addition, it can be good to have the professional support of a counsellor or therapist. While friends and family will love and support you they may not be able to put what you are experiencing into context or help you with skills / tools. In addition, some people also work with a financial advisor to help understand assets or to structure the financial arrangements.

Reflect on your priorities: People may feel as if everything is a priority, but as mediation is a negotiation, no one ever gets 100% of what they want. You will need to consider what are your priorities? what are the most important goals that you have? and can these be achieved realistically given the circumstances and family situation?

Practice "you have to give to get": mediation is a negotiation and therefore it is good to see if you can find something that is important to the other person and not important to you. This can be a way to build a package for proposals. During the mediation a simple acknowledgment or expression of gratitude can help to keep the negotiation on track. It can be very difficult to do, however, if you can focus on your priorities acknowledging the other person's attempt to meet your needs can be constructive. In his book, Forgive for Good, Dr Fred Luskin explains unenforceable rules and how we can use forgiveness as a way to heal ourselves.

Remember this is not forever: it can feel when you are deep in the Maze that this process, pain, turmoil is never going to end. Robert Emery in Two Homes, One Childhood, uses the rearview mirror to explain that at some stage you will be looking at these events from a distance. This thought that there will be an end can be a little window of light.

Through the podcast and also the digital course I will be launching in September, I will be sharing more detail about each of these ideas.

Further episodes of Map the Maze

Further podcasts by Sala Sihombing