The Separate Journeys of Couples in Recovery - a podcast by Robert Weiss, PhD, MSW and Tami VerHelst
from 2023-11-21T18:02:16
Dr. Rob and Tami answer listener questions about getting back together in sobriety, support for the betrayed wife, getting to know each other in recovery, taking your recovery seriously, and not asking forgiveness but making amends. Every lie resets the relationship to the beginning of betrayal. When is the right time for couples therapy?
TAKEAWAYS:
[:23] My SA husband’s one-year sobriety date is today. It’s also my one-year discovery date. He is in recovery. Where are couples at the one-year mark? Tami asks where the wife is as a betrayed partner.
[2:56] Discovery is trauma. What support have you had? Dr. Rob says about a year in is when you run into the relationship. Who are you without the issues of addiction?
[4:22] Married 36 years; in-house separated for two years. My husband is in recovery for six months. It’s hard to consider welcoming him back. Is it time? Dr. Rob says to date and get to know each other.
[6:56] Tami says to remember that you are different people than you were 36 years ago. Learning more about each other is going to be helpful.
[7:26] I bought porn video and left the ATM receipt on the shredder. My wife is upset and wants an explanation. Dr. Rob says when you lie, it takes your wife back to the beginning. Take your recovery seriously and leave your wife alone.
[11:36] Tami says at the ATM, ask your wife if it is OK to take money out for the slush fund. Don’t make excuses to yourself. Dr. Rob says it will never be muscle memory to do the right thing. Put a process between you and the ATM.
[15:58] My wife doesn’t know if she wants to try and rebuild. I joked with my sister in an email and my wife says I am not grieving enough because I’m able to joke. Tami recommends the Couples Healing from Betrayal workgroup on SeekingIntegrity.com.
[18:11] Dr. Rob points out that if you’re grieving anything, it’s being no longer able to get away with lies and acting out. Your spouse has been betrayed. She feels unsafe in the world and her home. Read Out of the Doghouse.
[21:32] Let your spouse her have her feelings and don’t question them. Tell her you understand her feelings because you caused them.
[21:45] My husband tells me not to call him a sex addict. He has only anger and resentment toward me. I mess up. Am I wasting time in couples therapy? Couples therapy will not help her. The wife is victimized. Read Prodependence for people living with sex addicts. Set boundaries and find safety.
[28:06] Dr. Rob adds to be honest with therapists. If they are not serving you, ask what they are doing. Tell them if it’s not the time for you. They will respect that.
RESOURCES:
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
Further episodes of Overcoming Betrayal
Further podcasts by Robert Weiss, PhD, MSW and Tami VerHelst
Website of Robert Weiss, PhD, MSW and Tami VerHelst