181: Why ‘giving choices’ doesn’t work – and what to do instead - a podcast by Jen Lumanlan

‘Giving choices’ is a hot tool in the respectful parenting world.  In the scripts, it usually goes like this:

 

     Child: “I want a snack!”

     Parent: “OK!  Would you like an apple or a banana?”

     Child: “A banana, please!”

     And the parent hands over the banana.

 

But when you actually try it in your own home, it usually looks more like this:

 

     Your child: “I want a snack!”

     You: “OK! Would you like an apple or a banana?”

     Your child: “I want cookies!”

 

WHY IS THAT?!  Why does it never ‘work’ the way it’s supposed to?  Why doesn’t our child follow the script?

 

There’s a simple and easy reason, and in this episode I break it down - and teach you the effective tool to use instead of giving choices.

 

Jump to highlights:

(00:54) Many parenting coaches recommend giving children choices as a way to get them to

cooperate. 

(02:43) The effectiveness of using choices to our children

(05:47) Reasons why giving choices makes us lose the possibility of meeting both of our needs

(08:01) How using choices motivates children to do the things they wouldn’t want to do

(09:00) Why choices teach children consequences

(09:40) Benefits of using true empathy

(10:26) Giving choices to negotiate how children will do a chore/task

(11:55) The use of rewards to motivate children fails to consider both the child’s and parent’s needs, leading to resentment and missed opportunity for making real choices

(13:28) Giving choices as a win-win situation

(14:05) The choices parents give often do not meet the child’s needs

(17:08) Distinguishing between needs and strategies

(19:01) The importance of meeting both our and our children’s needs

(20:34) Ben shares his struggles before joining the Setting Limits workshop

(22:55) Ben shares how effective the tools he learned in the Setting Limits workshop

(26:29) Deon shares her experience after joining the Setting Limits workshop

(27:01) An open invitation to join the Setting Loving (&Effective!) Limits workshop